Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ

Streamer, Dj / Vj | I do my own thing. Im not sure what that is anymore.
This account is more of a Diary . And one day The Pages will run out
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[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

So. Lets talk bout something I usually dont talk about whatsoever.

My gender.

For many many many a years, I've lived as a man, since i was born a man.

Secretly keeping everything under wraps that I was genderfluid for this entire time.

I've had many years to think about which ever way I wanted to go with this. At first I thought I could feel better in my skin if I leaned more into the feminine aspects of myself, but found that it was mostly trauma based and not really what I wanted in the end.

I tried wearing the girl clothes, I def posted some on here, but it all felt a bit off after a few hours. If anything, it would only really flair up my body dysmorphia that I've been dealing with since my pre teens. Especially recently, when I had something gifted to me and i tried it but ended up not liking what It felt to be in it.

I enjoy small things but its very very situational.
I could say the same thing extents to the lewd aspects of my life, things that I've talked to some length about either on here or on Datura's side of the world.

Its becoming less and less appealing to me. Its making me want to want nothing out of anyone, and show less of myself as a result. Tough I'm physically getting better and better every day, there is a certain distain that I've been battling with for the past few weeks thats been on my mind.

I often put myself in these situations to study the aspects of things I don't understand. For example, I made this account to explore the Photography world, feelin myself as a person and try to make sense of this dysmorphia through the Vr space ( which i could talk at length about ), and simply freeing myself from the box I was tossed in as a child.

It has had mixed results.
Some of it good, mostly bad. But all part for the course.

Subconciously, I was seeking some sort of validation through numbers, something I've talked about already, and stopped caring about for a good majority.

Another aspect was to be myself, which I'm now finding myself in a strange middle where I don't know who i am apart from the grounding values I've carried with me for decades now.

Creatively, I still have the same spark as I did. Its pretty apparent. The way I go about getting through projects, aggressively trying things over and over just to see if it works, is still very much there and a big contributor to what I do now.

But There is a wall that i'm tryng to cross. And im not sure how to cross it.

I thought that By seperating the lewd from this account, I could better understand it by separating my methods into parts. But its just bringing up the same things.

I can say that as a result of everything thats happened in the last 2 years, I'm less and less addicted to the lewd stuff, which took too much of my time. I will relapse again in the future, its part of the process, but the episodes are so much less frequent and so much less long.

Gender wise, I'm not sure what to do. I think that I'm overthinking it. I feel fine being a guy, but there are some nights where I don't feel right, leaning more feminine as a result.

Vr has been indispensable for this, even if I now find myself in the same impasse I was in back in 2020.

A sense of identity is required. Something that screams "thats Nethi". But nothing really fits.

The last avatar that I vibed with were the Novabeast, GodValkierie, the one with the Hair curtains I post all the time and mb Ruru.

I since moved on from Godfall's avis ( Their FX layers are a nightmare to edit, and I have had to reconstruct them multiple times just to make things not lag my unity in the process ), The Nova Im leaning towards a bit more since its something I always felt fine in, and the last 2 I'm not so sure.

I don't really like being sexualised all the time. Its part of the reason why I did post things about ERPing and such in the past. Its all methods to chase bliss, and after chasing bliss myself for so many years, I'm so over it dude idk.

So I'll be looking around for a new vibe to fit this new era of me. I'm looking to maybe piecing together something using the bases that are out there.

The Booth models have been Hit and miss, but perhaps I should take a look at that Mochi fitter thing for once. I have the knowledge to make these things work, I just lack the proper image in my mind to piece it together atm.

Maybe Im being too hard on myself again. Its been so tiring to be tired all the time.

As far s Gender goes, I'm not sure. I like being a lil twink at times, but I don't feel like thats going to last for much longer. I got maybe a few more years in me before I lock into my proper male self. I think that this entire idea is based on trauma as I mentioned before, and as im growing and growing out of things, I'm finding my way back to where I began as a Man. But with a completely different idea of what A Man should be.

And I don't think thats a bad thing.
Maybe I'll stay fluid for the rest of my life, and simply lean in whatever direction the current takes me. That wouldn't be so bad either.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

https://t.co/nHnTDm2lSB | Dogs doin their thing ww/ @NoodlesBowl | Ocarina of time

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@eGirlBootySweat nice dress

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@MeowSparky cozy

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

This avi's hips are makin me move dangerously.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

Habby Canada day, Goobers. May your Poutines be Blessed and based.

I blessed them.
Now eat them before I get to them first

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@ShinRegis117 it fucking gets me every time dude

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

You need to stop sittin in place, and go out there expecting nothing in return.

The world doesn't owe you anything, And you don't owe it anything either.

Time and time again I see these posts. Always the same result.

Do something different.

When I started playing vrchat I was looking for something. I felt like I was growing out of friend groups. So I went to expose myself to the world at large and starting just going on and lurking.

Took me 2 weeks, but eventually I found a group of people watching videos in a room, that I could chime in and talk with.

7 years later, I'm here.

I took that step. Do the same. Doesn't need to be vrc, just do something different. You can't expect the world to close that gap for you.

You can take my words as harsh, but that's the reality. If you wanted something to change you'd do what you need to do change it. And it doesn't need to be very drastic changes all at once either. That rarely works.

Just a small thing. Bit by bit. That's all it ever was.

And No. Its not easy. Nothing is suppose to be easy.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

Playing hard to get doesn't make me want to be around you, It makes me leave.

YAWN.

This is specifically targeting those who use this as a manipulation tactic / engagement strat to see if someone is interested in you.

Stop being a fucking kid. This shit is abbrasive.
I'm not an an age to start chasing every girl that comes my way. In fact, I DONT.

I rather have someone around that will respect me as much as I do. I wouldn't treat someone like that with these half ass attempts at attention grabbing. I'd make it clear.

Its not that hard to understand.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@eon_kain i remember those days

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

Welp Im never getting a playstation ever again lol.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@Minxymuu hahah

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

This avi's hips are makin me move dangerously.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@ArtsyVRC very nice

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@Orien358 >:3

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

Chat.
Someone gifted me this, and I feel Dangerous in all the right ways.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

@xDewlicious

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

Chat.
Someone gifted me this, and I feel Dangerous in all the right ways.

[Nethi ܸ⩌⩊⩌ ܸ @NethiVr]

A message to any Vrchat Avatar Creators out there.
Hear my Plea.

PLEASE SEPEREATE YOUR DIFFERENT HAIR MESHES.
I got this avatar here that has 300 triangles on hair alone, and removing it would mean either tossing it into blender ( which isnt too hard but still ) or replacing the hair entirely.

Having different meshes in the hierachry means I can turn them off before it uploads using the In Editor Tag, which saves alot on the performance in the long run.

This is a very minor issue with some knowhow, but it would go a very long way into making even the less unity savy folks step into the world of optimization.

For example:

I just went from 1 mil Triangles to 600k, which 300k is just the different hair styles alone. Its a bit exessive.

Alternatively, make the hairs themselves into a Prefab that people can hot swap using Vrcfury.

If you want me to go into detail about these in the future, please do let me know in the comments.

Again, no hate on the avatar creators out there that don't do this, but man would it ever help everyone in the long run.

Thank you for hearing me out.