Mike Buczek

[Tim Dillon @TimJDillon]

Fathers Day is an antiquated holiday. A father doesn’t have to be a man. A father doesn’t have to have a child. A father can be a stepmother. A father can be a tree that you hang a tire on. A father can be a pansexual witch or warlock. A father can be a birthing persons hat.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

@jfishercomedy You’ve really got to start emphasizing that “i”.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

@TuesdayStories @marknorm I saw this guy on My 600 lb Life in case you wanted to know what you’d look like with an extra 600 lbs. Also, he died.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

@DougStanhope @DIRECTV They sure had plenty of people working the phones to call current customers and try to up-sell them on more expensive channel packages as the economy was shedding millions of jobs earlier this year.

[Doug Stanhope @DougStanhope]

Good afternoon, @KvonComedy.

You failed to pay a $100 wager with @carlos_valencia on the election and your account has been turned over to us for collection.

Perhaps this was merely an oversight on your part but this needs to be remedied asap.

When can we expect payment?

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

“If you can stand in line at Wal Mart, you can stand in line at the DMV to renew your registration.” SEE HOW DUMB THIS SOUNDS?

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

This might be the only time in history where all of our ballots could have Joe Budden on them instead and it would have no impact on the election.

[Kurt Metzger @kurtmetzger]

Not saying Netflix’s Cuties is child porn. I’m just saying it couldn’t hurt to start tracking customers whose accounts indicate repeat viewings in 7 to 10 minute bursts.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

Since we’ve run out of letters for generations we should just use that generation’s big class action lawsuit. I’m a “Do you have mesothelioma?” guy and let me tell you these “Were you raped by your scoutmaster?” kids don’t know anything about music.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

You’re delusional if you think we’ll ever colonize Mars because none of the contractors it would take to build shit there can take a 9 month shuttle ride without a cigarette.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

I bet if we just didn’t prosecute anything that happens to a person from the time you tell them you’re going to use your phone’s GPS to get there until they stop giving you turn-by-turn directions anyway, then maybe we could all start getting that wasted time back.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

Bill Gates invented the virus just to prove every aspiring stand up comedian’s parents absolutely right.

[Doug Stanhope @DougStanhope]

I think about all the civil liberties that you are denied that I have yelled about over 30 yrs of comedy and sit dumbfounded that the one you finally get up in arms about is voluntarily wearing a mask over your stupid mouths.

Start with the wrongly accused and work backward.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

We should really be able to comment on Amazon reviews. “Haven’t tried it yet, looks like it’ll work, 3 stars” has been needing a piece of my mind for quite some time now.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

Fox News loves to trot out a highly paid Candace Owens type to agree with whatever racist shit they’re trying to justify. They’re always opinions you never hear from other black people. More parents have cooked their baby in a microwave than black people agree with this shit.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

If you’re outraged by what some people are doing to the property of insured businesses, you should see what some police are doing to human beings!

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

We need a hospital where all these people that think they know more than doctors can operate on each other and only let real doctors intervene once they admit a medical degree is more valuable than some conspiracy theorist’s YouTube channel.

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

Everybody knows you don’t listen to what a president SAYS, you listen to what the white house press secretary and their team of advisors pretends he meant.

[Spencer Taylor @SpencaTayla]

I am doing a one-liner competition. Vote for this joke, if you feel so inclined!

https://t.co/mFUQK4OZ7c

[Mike Buczek @NoOffenseGuys]

It’s fitting that Trump would look to Vince McMahon for advice because I can’t think of anyone who’s done a better job at turning lying to people into a successful brand.