Batman’s a shit detective if he always gets himself beat up by Bane before “realizing” that he should just pull the damn tubes out of Bane’s back. Like, that’s obvious right? If a villain has tubes on their costume, step one should ALWAYS be pulling them out to see what happens.
There are two main reasons why I don’t leave my apartment: because clothes are a hassle and because my parking spot is too good to risk leaving. #troof
Okay, love Queer Eye, but how about a show called Rich Eye? It'll be about a group of five rich guys who come to my apartment and pay my rent and student loans and buy me cool things that I want/need. And maybe one of them proposes to me. #stillworkinginthekinks
Every few days, I wipe my glasses with the recommended microfiber cloth, and it allows me to experience some personal clarity for a couple of hours. #smudgysmudgerson
I’m doing this thing where I’m wearing my oldest, most hole-ridden underwear one last time before retiring them to the great beyond. The great beyond is the title of my online store which sells my used underwear. #justkidding#butifyouactuallywantthem#DMme#twentyperpair?
A quarter cup of sugar looks like a lot to consume until you put it in a mug with flour and cocoa and oil and water and pop it in the microwave. #brownieinamug#unffff
I think a good motivator for me would be to get fit enough to be Ja Rule for Halloween. From the Pain is Love album, of course. #murdaaaa#inthebackseatofaYukon#painislove
Wise men in shows about groups of badass teens: “You’re Asian, so you’re our martial arts master. And you’re a girl, so here’s a pink costume and a love triangle to be a part of. Fat guy, just be your hilarious self. And dumb white male, you get to be leader for zero reasons.”