Not Chris Heck (Parody)

Hi. I'm Not Chris Heck. I'm Not the FORMER President of Business Operations for the Not New York Red Bulls. I always tell the truth in my lies.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

@nerdwich_ They hired me so there's your answer.

[Beto O'Rourke @BetoORourke]

On Tuesday the 8th, we can vote to:

Keep kids safe.
Expand Medicaid.
Raise the minimum wage.
Fully fund our public schools.
Restore reproductive freedom.
Lower property taxes.
Increase teacher pay.
Legalize marijuana.
Fix the grid.

Together, we can vote to move Texas forward.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

Not a lot more. But more.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

More people show up to a mid week @NewYorkRedBulls game.

[Ana Navarro-Cárdenas @ananavarro]

More people showed-up to my last garage sale.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

Legal weed and 15%. Makes up for the never ending snow and Kaku.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

I've never started an insurrection. I don't think.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

I've never been impeached.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

I never got banned from Twitter.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

Fire Hans Gruber. #RBNY

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

#RBNY didn't lose today. Guiliani is on the case.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

@NYC_BX_OG It's Heck. And I had many tremendous sellouts at RBA. Crowd sizes the likes of which the world has never seen before!

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

I think you just basically plagiarized my resume, except soccer.

[Chris Murphy 🟧 @ChrisMurphyCT]

Putting Republicans in charge of government is kind of like putting somebody who hates baseball, has never watched baseball, and trashes baseball to anyone who will listen, in charge of a major league franchise.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

Even I'm not that stupid to say something this dumb. And I've said some stupid shit. #asshole #BlackLivesMatter #LetMeKneelOnYourKneckForNineMinutesAndSeeHowYouFeel

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

This does not apply to soccer.

[Bleacher Report @BleacherReport]

"If I show up to an arena and there ain't no fans in there, I ain't playing."

LeBron on possibly playing NBA games without any fans in attendance due to coronavirus outbreak. https://t.co/Ee5XMQ40X6

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

@MarkFishkin Fake news.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

Don't worry. We've got it contained at Red Bull Arena. Anybody who wants a test will get a test. The ratings for last week's game were the highest ever. That's what they tell me.

[Washington Times Sports @WashTimesSports]

Seattle stadium worker tests positive for coronavirus.
https://t.co/vglq2O0KQL

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

Today's home opener and sell out were only slightly smaller than Trump's HUGE inauguration crowd. Great numbers. We won bigly. Yo're welcome!

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

#rbny falling apart without me. #sad

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

@BXFSC_OG @NYCFCHeadHoncho @falafelmywffle @BXFSC @Janellias @Efried97 @NewYorkRedBulls @barstoolsports Why are you dragging me into this? I would never give anything away. If I sent anybody a jersey, it would arrive postage due.

[Not Chris Heck (Parody) @NotChrisHeck]

@RedBullArena @EASPORTSFIFA Chris Heck sellout!!!