NotJesse

wisest person ever

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

Sometime I worry about ageing and then I remember how cool Steven Tyler is

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

Maybe the real shareholder value was the friends we made along the way

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

If my hearing gets worse, I’ll just buy louder speakers

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I went three for three at the dmv so my drive need not be tested

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

“Sensitive content warning” means someone dies in the video

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I think micheal from vsauce could spit bars if he put pen to paper

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

Call me a Pokémon the way I’m bagon my bullshit

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I might try and become the world champion of curling because I surely only have to be better than like 40 people

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I thought they were taking calculus since they always trying to find my limit

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

What came first? Mount Rushmore or the presidents?

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

My bank bouta see the amount of times I misspelled my own first name, and just not give me an account

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

Call me an alchemist the way the metal stays on me full-time

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

If you wanna hit on a girl named Emily just say “I think the em in your name is silent”. Works every time trust

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

Guys be worrying about the economy while balding. Like dude you’re worrying about the wrong recession

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I’m terrified of how easily I can eat a whole large dominoes pizza

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

The word heyday is spelt wrong

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

You ever see a picture of you that’s so bad you start doing pushups?

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

Pulled up to the wedding in 1’s

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I just read one of my old tweets and started crying laughing

[NotJesse @NotJesseTweets]

I wonder if mosquitoes know what has blood in it, or if they just shlorp everything they land on