Not Bob Nutting

I am not the owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates. I once hit a hole in one at a Vietnam golf course. Parody Account

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Be patient fans….we are just trying to drive Skenes win loss record down so we can save 500k in Arbitration when the time comes.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

During our next home stand, we want to make things right with our fans. First 15k fans get a copy of the landfill receipt we have for the disposal of the Bucco Bricks. You do not want to miss out on this!!

1-800-BUY-BUCS

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Unfortunately we had to let go Manager Shelton today. When our ushers have more fight in them than our team…it is time.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Dear fans,

I am sincerely sorry about the Bucco Bricks being discarded in the dump and have fired the employees responsible for this fiasco. They should have dumped the bricks into the river at night when no-one was around to save money.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Good morning! After careful consideration, I have decided to sell the team!!! April Fools assholes!

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

I told the team to focus on losing 120 games and run around like we have no idea what the hell we are doing. I didnt think they would take me seriously.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

With the Steelers acquiring DK Metcalf, we can’t let them take the spotlight off of us. We are countering by signing Rowdy Tellez to a Minor League Deal.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

DOGE just got done inspecting our books and said the only wasteful spending they could find was on talent acquisition for the past 20 years.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

I am so thankful I hired Ben Cherrington as our GM! Dude couldn’t even get a deal done with an 11 year old for a baseball card saving us from giving up a premium seat for 30 years. Awesome!

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Sorry I didn’t speak at Piratefest. 😞 I was over at the Rivers checking all the slot machines for any quarters left behind by their customers. I lost track of time

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Good morning! Since we did not sell enough tickets at Piratefest to cover the cost of the event, we are charging $100 to use the handicap parking spots and $100 to use the restrooms.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Big news for Piratesfest!!! We will have Mike Tomlin in a dunking booth. For $20 a ball, you can try to sink him with all your sorrows. All proceeds go to us signing a washed up veteran that we will flip at the deadline for cash considerations! 1-800-BUY-BUCS

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Don’t worry Steeler fans, only one week away from being able to focus on the Pirates. 1-800-BUY-BUCS.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Mike Tomlin belongs with us in our organization. Always living in his fears.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Man, I love Skenes, but we could get a lot of cash in a trade for him in combination with cutting our employees Health benefits, I could go from a Billionaire to an even bigger Billionaire. Decisions…..

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

@ACE_Innamorato we have hired this lady to help us come up with new revenue. If she can request a 46% hike on Property taxes…the sky is the limit with ticket price hikes. We are excited.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

After Milton passes, we are opening Pirate City in Bradenton for anyone that needs a place to stay for $2000 a night. Soap, shampoo, blankets, and coffee are all extra and can be purchased in the lobby. We have also secured a tanker of gas that can be purchased for $30 gallon.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

To honor Pete Rose…I used Rowdy Tellez’s planned bonus and bet the under on our payroll next year. Guaranteed winner!

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Unfortunately we had to lay off all our workers except the players and coaches because we do not want to pay for their health insurance in October. They didn’t do shit all year anyway.

[Not Bob Nutting @NotMrNutting]

Sorry Rowdy….I had to use your planned 200k bonus to pay my Accountant extra to find more tax loopholes. Good luck Sonny!