Steven Rogers

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[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Hi! My new special Half of We just dropped on @nateland_ent hope you like it! https://t.co/x1Xo1bl4uH

[Sarah Tollemache @stollemache]

There’s an air of shame the day after a work holiday party.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

I wish pleasing a person was as easy pleasing my cats.
No woman has ever been this excited about an empty box.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

My whole mindset when I’m going through my mail is “which one of these is going to be the one that ends me?”

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

I’m at the perfect golf skill level. I’m a good enough hang to get invited to the outings, but bad enough that they say I can just ride around with them in the cart.

All of the sun, none of the rage. Only way I’ll turn red is if I forgot my sunscreen.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

My eyes never get bigger than they do when the subway doors reopen.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Every time I go to therapy I’m just getting over whatever I was going to talk about, and then whenever I leave something new happens that I’ll have to wait a week to talk about.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

The only good thing about food poisoning is it’s the only time I get to live out my childhood dream of solving mysteries.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

I feel bad when I’m on a date and she tells me about how hard her day was at her job and then asks about mine and I’m like, “uhmmm I might have figured out how to fix that bit about loofah’s!”

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

No one has made me chug a drink faster more than flight attendants

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

If there’s any place that could double as a bingo hall it’s Urgent Care.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Having someone leave you is rough because they’re saying they like moving more than you.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Went to a ball game with my buddies and we sat near a little kid. I think we can all agree in that situation you should watch your language, but man…the mouth on that kid.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Ever feel a part of your body just quit while you’re sitting there doing nothing?

Asking for a friend.

That friend is me.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Every time I get on my peloton my cats use the litter box and stink up the entire room. I think they hear the instructor yelling “push it!” And they’re like “if you say so.”

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Just used one of those public restrooms where when the door is unlocked, it says “vacant” and when I locked it, the sign must change to “Try as hard as you can to get through this door!”

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Holding a table in a busy cafe is resistance training for people pleasers.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

I don’t dress for the job I want, I just for the place I want to retire.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Taking a walk by the river looks so beautiful, but when you tell someone you did it, it sounds so sad.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

I'm too gullible for my own good. I had a woman tell me she wanted to fool around in the shower and I was like, well you should be careful because I'm a certified lifeguard and you could get really hurt.

[Steven Rogers @NotSteveRogers]

Love when people take meetings loudly in a coffee shop, because whenever I’m out trying to enjoy my day I’m always like “ugh I wish I felt like I was at work though.”