Shannon

My joke audience is now aimed mostly towards foreigners living in Madrid.. you know, THAT huge audience.

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

That first cold sip of water in the morning that you can feel slide down your throat, down all the way into your tummy

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Totally get body dysmorphia. Was at my lowest weight ever for my wedding, then lost 3 lbs to COVID, now I’m back at my wedding weight and in my head it’s like “(whispered) you fatty” lololololol

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Worst part of being married? I’m no longer a cute lil sexy señorita… I’m just a dusty, old señora now.

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Sitting serenely on the front porch drinking my morning coffee, on the outside. On the inside “Now bring us some figgy pudding! Now bring us some figgy pudding! Now bring us some figgy pudding! Yes bring some out here! 🎶”

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I wonder what it’s like to be a person who “has COVID but has no symptUmz!!”

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I just remembered I was going to work on getting awesome arm muscles for my wedding.. on Friday. Ooops

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I’ll never watch your insta story or snap if you send a horizontally filmed video, vertically

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

What’s even more unrealistic than when in sitcoms people just come in through the unlocked front / back door without knocking, is that when they came in, none of the family dogs barked or ran into the room and jumped up on them. Come on, Comet, terrible dog acting.

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Every girl dreams about their fairytale wedding…. And about if their period will fall on that weekend. And mine shall not !!!!! Thank you for the wedding gift Mother Nature!

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Watching TV: me to Jorge - “I’m in love with you.” Jorge without looking away from the TV - “I don’t”

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

My seamstress just scolded me telling me not to lose any weight before my wedding. I think I can do that 😏🍻

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Love watching the kiddos get on the bus in the morning from my front porch, as any 65 year old retiree does…

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I know I am obsessed with The Office but I don’t like that I am living Jim and Pam’s wedding - as in our wedding room block may get filled and people are gonna need to sleep in the hotel vending machine/ice freezer rooms

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

No one in history has ever said: “N64 Mario Kart? Yeah, my favorite cup was Flower Cup.”

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Mom “Shan? What’s this pic from this weekend with you and all those weird women?” Me “Those are drag queens.”

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I feel like every neighborhood should agree to ONE day and ONE 3 hour span of time per week where lawnmower companies can come work on neighborhood lawns

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Worst part of a race: having to figure out how to adjust your bathroom routine beforehand.. gotta be empty come starting time!

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I’m the kind of person who would sit and have their feet burnt off while getting a pedicure instead of asking the pedicurist to change the water temperature

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

I walk into the room and say to my mom “Mom, don’t say anything but-” to which she interjected “your boobs are shriveling up?” …

[Shannon @OhboyShan]

Anyone else feel like on Netflix’s Ultimatum or Move On everyone yells at Zay to “let them talk” or “stop yelling over me!” and he is actually trying so hard to be respectful and is not yelling at all? #TeamZay