In 1936 a Russian family walked into the Siberian taiga to live on what they could grow, and for the next 42 years the garden tried to kill them.
Karp Lykov was an Old Believer, from a sect of Orthodox Christians that had been dodging the Russian state since Peter the Great. When a Communist patrol shot his brother dead at the edge of their village, Karp gathered his wife Akulina and their two children and kept walking until there was nobody left to shoot at them.
Two more children were born out there. The nearest village ended up some 150 miles away.
They had no guns. They grew potatoes, rye and hemp, wove their clothes from the hemp and cut their galoshes from birch bark. By any modern definition they were the most local, seasonal, plant-based household in the world, with zero food miles and no supply chain to blame. They ate plants for the plainest reason there is: a potato stays where you put it.
They lived on the edge of famine for a quarter of a century. As the family later told it: "Every year we held a council to decide whether to eat everything up or leave some for seed."
One year the snow came in June and a frost killed everything in the garden. Through the winter that followed they ate their shoes. They ate bark. Akulina made sure whatever food there was went to the children, and in 1961 she starved to death.
What saved the rest was a single grain of rye that came up in the pea patch. They fenced it and guarded it day and night against the mice and squirrels. At harvest it gave them 18 grains, and from those 18 grains they rebuilt the crop.
The rye grain is the part of the Lykov story everybody tells. The part that gets left in the forest is Dmitry.
From the late 1950s, once he was grown, the family had begun eating animals. With no gun and no bow there was only one way to do it, and it is the oldest one we have. Dmitry dug pit traps, and when the traps failed he ran the animal down across the mountains until it collapsed.
He hunted barefoot in winter. He would be gone for days, sleep out in 40 degrees of frost, and come home to the hut with a young elk across his shoulders.
That is persistence hunting, the hunt Kalahari trackers were still running into this century, done by a young man who had never met a human being outside his own family. The body that could do it was the most useful thing the clearing ever grew.
Geologists spotted the clearing from a helicopter in 1978, and the Lykovs became the most famous hermits in the Soviet Union. In 1981 three of the four children died within days of each other. Dmitry of pneumonia. Savin and Natalia of kidney failure, the bill for four decades of that diet.
Karp died in his sleep in 1988. Agafia, the youngest, is still out there past 80, the last of them.
The grow-your-own books all stop at the potatoes. The Lykovs ran the experiment to the end, and the end of it was a barefoot boy running an elk into the ground.
Hollywood spends hundreds of millions to make boring, lifeless slop greenlit by spineless executives who parrot insane ideologies.
I made this while eating snacks.
The Golden Age is here.
When Paul Gascoigne joined ITV for the 2002 World Cup, the idea was to put him alongside some of the people who had known him best in football.
Terry Venables and Bobby Robson were there.
Des Lynam was presenting.
And ITV had paid Gazza £50,000 to make ten appearances during the tournament.
It did not take long for them to realise he was going to be slightly different to the rest of the panel.
On the opening day, Senegal beat defending champions France 1-0.
Lynam turned to Gascoigne afterwards to get his thoughts.
“I’ve never even heard of Senegal.”
Lynam looked at him.
“You’d never heard of Senegal?”
“No.”
“They’ve been part of Africa for some time.”
On another occasion, Gazza got halfway through trying to say the word admiration, could not get it out and eventually gave up.
“You know what I f****** mean.”
But away from the cameras, there was another problem developing.
Gascoigne had been staying at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel in London while he worked on the tournament.
And over the course of three weeks, the drinks being put on ITV’s account started adding up.
By the end of it, his hotel drinks bill was £9,869.62.
There was another £281 from the minibar in his room.
“The trouble was he was buying £200 bottles of wine.”
“And buying for everybody in the bar.”
One night, somebody from ITV even got a phone call from a company chief executive who had been drinking there.
He wanted them to know Gazza had been brilliant company and had spent the night signing autographs.
And for all the problems with the bill, ITV had no complaints about the way he behaved when he was actually working.
“He was good as gold around the studios.”
He would have a drink in the green room after filming, but not before, and always turned up when he was supposed to.
Gascoigne later admitted the bill had got out of hand, although he maintained Ally McCoist and Andy Townsend had helped towards some of it.
For ITV, there was probably only one way of looking at it.
“He was a generous colleague.”
“Just happened to be generous with our money!”
#football
Bernard Manning didn’t give AF 😳
Extremely awkward exchange on The Mrs Merton Show, with Bernard Manning as guest.
A man in the audience tells a story from years back. He was hitchhiking, needed a lift home, and Bernard pulled up and gave him one. Then he asks: would you have given me that lift if I was black?
Bernard: “If you were black, you’d still be stood there now.”
The other guest, Richard Wilson, asks: “I thought you weren’t a racist, Bernard. Why would you have left a black man standing there?”
Bernard: “I just don’t pick black people up in Rolls-Royces.”
Mrs Merton: “Why?”
Bernard: “I just don’t.”
Mrs Merton: “Why?”
Bernard: “It’s my prerogative. I can pick who I like up. I can eat what I want, I can drink what I want, I can say what I want. It’s a free country.”
Hard to imagine this going out on the BBC now. The complaints would land before the credits, and the meltdown would last longer than the episode.