On Tonight's Muppets

Tonight's Muppets airs every witching moon on ABC

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Miss Piggy grows ill of her petitions unanswered by the still tongue of God and a sickness grows in her spirit; Gonzo repairs a broken pair of suspenders, and when inspecting his reflection for loose threads he allows himself to admit he did a good job

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Kermit, Fozzie, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Rizzo, and the rest of the gang get together and smoke some weed!

Happy 4/20 from all of us here in the Tonight's Muppets family

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

The Tonight's Muppets official twitter account is discovered to have been retweeting hentai pictures exclusively, every 25 minutes, for the last 6 years. Much to producer Kermit's dismay, nobody seems to know who runs the account; Rizzo gets in the mayor's raviolis

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Kermit's boat capsizes and he is eaten alive by an anaconda; through a hiccup in the fabric of reality, Gonzo instantly swaps positions with him and gets digested

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Kermit gets a Daily Show-type news parody called Kermit Events, but a meddling studio executive (Paul Dano) threatens everything; Miss Piggy is extradited to Italy to face murder and kidnapping charges

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

There is no emergence here, no inflection point. Muppet is not achievable because it is not a state of being or unbeing, and the further one pushes the definition toward absolutes the further away one finds themself from the recognizable truth. This is the Muppet Paradox.

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Are you awake, Kermit? This life weighs so heavily on your waking hours, rests so sweetly on your sleeping eyes. I will let you be for a little while longer.

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

While attending mass, recent Roman catholic convert Gonzo is transsubstantiated by an errant blessing into tungsten; Rowlf, who has spent years secretly addicted to horse dewormer, finds his supply in jeopardy

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Gonzo is clean, is tidy, oils the lock; Rizzo trims the garden, winds the clock

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Kermit heads to the ocean every night, a small silver instrument in his hand. The measurements he takes drive him to return night after night to take them again, his body blanketed by darkness, small-backed against the rolling ocean; Miss Piggy tosses in his chilly bed, dreaming.

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Gonzo vaguely indicates on social media that "big exciting things" are in store for him. It is a foregone conclusion that whatever he means will not pan out. Two weeks later he quietly deletes his post; Rizzo subscribes to so many OnlyFans he creates a credit bubble

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Following the death of Charles Grodin, Miss Piggy goes to the doctor convinced she sees him out of the corner of eye, following her, his face contorted and grotesque; Sam Eagle's cancel culture podcast is so profitable he purchases a missile from the US government

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

How could Kermit do this to us? Without Kermit we are as blood without a body

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

M*ppet is a slur

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

All the muppets get together and skin martin shrlkeli alive. They hang the empty little ribbon of his body from the side of ABC studio, and no one ever has to hear about him again

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Kermit gets uncircumcised for Christmas; Miss Piggy rebrands as Lady Javelina

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Rizzo is unmasked as "R Anon", a conspiracy theory megaposter with "connections at every level of security clearance" in the United States government. That he's actually a rat who lives under the craft services table at ABC somehow "proves he's the real deal" to his adherents

[On Tonight's Muppets @OnTonitesMuppet]

Gonzo visits the thing that used to be Kermit's home, discovering that the thing has webbed up the apartment in its secretions; Fozzie burns a bag of microwave popcorn so badly he creates a new Elephant's Foot in the breakroom, killing seven