Jonathon

Dad. Writer. Artist. Millionaire Entrepreneur. Famous Drummer. Comedic Genius. Ex-Porn Star. Compulsive Liar.

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

First attempt, *whispering*, “Pssst…Honey…are you awake?” No response. Three seconds later…🤣 #subtle #sweet #love #taps #funny #relationship #goals #happy #married #couples #sexy #time #meme #comedy #humor #jokes https://t.co/VwOQPulZaf

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

@mommy_cusses 🤣🤣🤣

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I can just imagine a bunch of engineers smoking weed and watching ‘The Spy Who Shagged Me’ when one of them coughs, “I HAVE AN IDEA!” #jeffbezos #amazon #blueorigin #austinpowers #drevil #dick #rocket #space #science #universe

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

Has anyone else tried my new weight loss cocktail? #organic #bragg #applecidervinegar #lemonjuice #vodka #natural #healthy #weightloss

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

To ALL you Mom's out there, sacrificing and CRUSHING life on a daily basis for your kids, happy Mother's Day and THANK YOU! We literally wouldn't be here without you!

So many times I ask myself, "How does Wifey... https://t.co/6KXUqgd5IU

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I have learned that a husband can easily gauge the level of fulfillment he provides in his Wife’s life based on the amount of Amazon packages sitting on the front steps when he arrives home.

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

When you’ve told your 6 year old kid “No!” to a certain toy so many times that they try a different approach...

Me: That’s a cool LEGO creation, Bean. What are you building?
Bean: It’s an XBox.

#clever #relentless

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I stood patiently, giggling to myself as I watched a Woman fumble with the Costco chip-reader for a full two minutes before her charge was accepted. The cashier reassured her...”That’s okay. A lot of people... https://t.co/iJ4m9T4y09

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I walked in to find Baby C. scribbling pictures in his high chair and hear Wifey addressing the commotion in the living room. Before I could say a word, Baby C. led with...

How was your day, Dad?
Sit down, sit... https://t.co/oYkJD9LHDi

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I was rocky-rocking with Baby C. before bedtime, playing a little game.

I pointed at his eyes...
“I see you.”
I pointed at his nose...
He sniffed and said, “I smell you”.
I pointed at his mouth...
“Tacos go in there.”

That’s as good as a DNA test for me. He’s my Son!😂

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I swear, your kids can tell when you’re down...I arrived home a little later last night and dead...ass...tired. Baby C. was already in his jammies and ran up to grab my hand. “Come on, Dad! Come on!”, pointing... https://t.co/pIZftFlTEy

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

We had a little pre-Birthday bowling party for Bean. Five bowlers, and the final frame came down to me versus Bean. He had me by one measly pin. Knock down two pins, and victory was mine! Then I had a... https://t.co/P7WXYl3SXe

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I could hear the boys loudly trading insults downstairs, and stomped down to intervene...

Me: WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN HERE!?
Bean: I called Buddy a POOP-BUTT!
Buddy: And I called Bean a North American Dung Beetle!

I’ll let you guess which child emulates which parent...

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

Guys! Valentine's Day is only a few days away, and I have the PERFECT gift for your Baby Mama! It's easy, and it's CHEAP! The next time you see her, bend over, and...KISS HER ASS! Taking care of kids is hard work!... https://t.co/kFvUWObV1c

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

As I rounded the corner to turn into the driveway, I could only describe what I saw through the front windows as “pure chaos”. The baby, flinging food from his high chair while Wifey separated two wrestling... https://t.co/N8193dURBa

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I went jogging outside for the first time since before the cold snap. I would compare it losing my virginity. My body had no idea was was happening, there was a lot of sweating and heavy breathing, I felt clumsy... https://t.co/2R7VJn6h0l

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

I have created my own Husband-to-Wife Text Translator App.

So when Wifey texted to ask, “What are you boys doing while I’m at work?”

The text response generated by my Translator replied, “I just fed them a... https://t.co/3MhBf9b6lf

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

When the roads are treacherous, always remember this...If anyone is pressuring you to be somewhere, just tell them the roads are like Whiskey Dick. It's going to take you four times longer to get there, and there's a huge possibility you may not come at all.

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

Never mind this Birdbox Challenge. I challenge anyone to walk through my house in the dark and NOT step on a Lego or Lego box!

#LegoBoxChallenge
#BirdboxChallenge

[Jonathon @OneFunnyDaddy]

People always ask, “So is Buddy just like Wifey, and Bean just like you?” Read on...

The boys and I were watching ‘Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs’ when it started raining hot dogs...

Buddy: EEEWWW, GROSS!... https://t.co/8zziuD0XLo