Michael Sheffield

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@TheFFBallers Save my Week-o Collins

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@JL_Chapman

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

https://t.co/cFD9rwiMmJ My family is so brave.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

My wife was in the closet hanging clothes up when I farted in there and closed the door. After a few moments of grumbling about it, she came into the living room to tell my 14 year old what I did. Without missing a beat she said “so that’s why you smell like a fart.”

I am dead.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

Charlie: Can y’all buy me a punch buggy?
Me: Maybe one day.
Charlie: Perfect. I want to ride around being dangerous.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

My 7 year old wanted to make a card for her teacher whose grandma passed away. She told me it would say:

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your grandmother died
We feel bad for you

I’ve never received such an upbeat “sorry for your loss” card, but I think she’s onto something.

[JakeTheSnake @TheRealMcKoy85]

You better believe I took the Monday after the Super Bowl off.

I’m either gonna have a celebratory hangover, or a depressed hangover.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@Inspector_Dabit Nah, we’re just a second half team. We’ve just got to quit with the slow starts.

[CALL TO ACTIVISM @CalltoActivism]

A British writer penned the best description of Donald Trump I’ve ever read:

“Why do some British people not like Donald Trump?”

A few things spring to mind. Trump lacks certain qualities which the British traditionally esteem. For instance, he has no class, no charm, no coolness, no credibility, no compassion, no wit, no warmth, no wisdom, no subtlety, no sensitivity, no self-awareness, no humility, no honour and no grace – all qualities, funnily enough, with which his predecessor Mr. Obama was generously blessed. So for us, the stark contrast does rather throw Trump’s limitations into embarrassingly sharp relief.

Plus, we like a laugh. And while Trump may be laughable, he has never once said anything wry, witty or even faintly amusing – not once, ever. I don’t say that rhetorically, I mean it quite literally: not once, not ever. And that fact is particularly disturbing to the British sensibility – for us, to lack humour is almost inhuman. But with Trump, it’s a fact. He doesn’t even seem to understand what a joke is – his idea of a joke is a crass comment, an illiterate insult, a casual act of cruelty.

Trump is a troll. And like all trolls, he is never funny and he never laughs; he only crows or jeers. And scarily, he doesn’t just talk in crude, witless insults – he actually thinks in them. His mind is a simple bot-like algorithm of petty prejudices and knee-jerk nastiness.

There is never any under-layer of irony, complexity, nuance or depth. It’s all surface. Some Americans might see this as refreshingly upfront. Well, we don’t. We see it as having no inner world, no soul. And in Britain we traditionally side with David, not Goliath. All our heroes are plucky underdogs: Robin Hood, Dick Whittington, Oliver Twist. Trump is neither plucky, nor an underdog. He is the exact opposite of that. He’s not even a spoiled rich-boy, or a greedy fat-cat. He’s more a fat white slug. A Jabba the Hutt of privilege.

And worse, he is that most unforgivable of all things to the British: a bully. That is, except when he is among bullies; then he suddenly transforms into a snivelling sidekick instead. There are unspoken rules to this stuff – the Queensberry rules of basic decency – and he breaks them all. He punches downwards – which a gentleman should, would, could never do – and every blow he aims is below the belt. He particularly likes to kick the vulnerable or voiceless – and he kicks them when they are down.

So the fact that a significant minority – perhaps a third – of Americans look at what he does, listen to what he says, and then think ‘Yeah, he seems like my kind of guy’ is a matter of some confusion and no little distress to British people, given that:

• Americans are supposed to be nicer than us, and mostly are.

• You don’t need a particularly keen eye for detail to spot a few flaws in the man.

This last point is what especially confuses and dismays British people, and many other people too; his faults seem pretty bloody hard to miss. After all, it’s impossible to read a single tweet, or hear him speak a sentence or two, without staring deep into the abyss. He turns being artless into an art form; he is a Picasso of pettiness; a Shakespeare of shit. His faults are fractal: even his flaws have flaws, and so on ad infinitum. God knows there have always been stupid people in the world, and plenty of nasty people too. But rarely has stupidity been so nasty, or nastiness so stupid. He makes Nixon look trustworthy and George W look smart. In fact, if Frankenstein decided to make a monster assembled entirely from human flaws – he would make a Trump.

And a remorseful Doctor Frankenstein would clutch out big clumpfuls of hair and scream in anguish: ‘My God… what… have… I… created?' If being a twat was a TV show, Trump would be the boxed set.”

-Nate White

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@TheFFBallers Jahan Jack Squatson

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@PFF_Fantasy Higgins or Jakobi?

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@TheFFBallers Breest mode

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@JL_Chapman We’ll see Trey Lance under center first!!

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

Who comes into the game first, Trey Lance or Sam Darnold?

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

Charlie has grown a velociraptor toenail that she sees as a defense measure against those who would seek to oppress her. She has named him ToeJerrius and has threatened to unleash him if approached with toenail clippers or if her Christmas catalog demands are not met.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@HumansNoContext That tracks.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

@Inspector_Dabit I’ll take one.

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

My wife can be pretty funny. I told her I found a shopping list I made when she went out of town and it was just Bloody Mary ingredients and a recipe for crock pot lima beans.

She told me that’s why she’s not worried about her husband. Instead of side bitches I have side dishes

[Katie D @KatieDeal99]

I’m the oldest sibling, or as I like to call it, the rough draft child

[Michael Sheffield @One_Man_MoshPit]

My 6 year old daughter has names for the pigs she wants when she gets older. They are her “dream pigs.”
Their names are:

Gerald
Hernando
Daisy
Fred
Pickle
Trash Can

We don’t live on or near a farm. This is a scenario entirely of her own design.