Moose 🫎

He/him. Gay grey-ace Lutheran cisman. Contra dancer and cat dad. Mixed. M.Div. ↙️↙️↙️🏴🚩

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

Blue Georgia - SNL https://t.co/QX8tpUinbF

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

@SenDuckworth I support dems electing NEW leadership in congress. Not Schumer. Not Jeffries.

https://t.co/3tzEcPWzRv

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

I've been voting🔵 like 47 is on the ballot EVERY TIME since 2000. And I will continue.

The fact that 47 actually was on the ballot recently was just a coincidence.

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

There are only two fruits: chocolate and vanilla.

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

These Viral Videos Are Not What They Seem https://t.co/MVIZNhmK56

[fucking every word @fuckeveryword]

fucking disinclined

[United Wizards of the Coast - CWA @uwotc_official]

If you’d like to join us in calling on leadership to reconsider yesterday’s decision and help us build a better Wizards together, you can encourage them to do so by signing our petition and sharing it!

https://t.co/tA0S5YXkcV

[United Wizards of the Coast - CWA @uwotc_official]

Yesterday, Wizards informed us that it doesn’t intend to voluntarily recognize the D&D or Studio X units of our union ahead of a vote. We remain committed to creating a workplace focused on wellness, transparency, and collaboration by winning our coming election.

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

I have some ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.
My little game is that I can get one, last thing on my way out the door for work, IFF I get it before the final alarm rings.

Today I did not get an ice cream sandy.

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

UnitedHealthcare & UnitedHealth Group: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver https://t.co/ORUpm7QsaW

[Bugsy Sailor @BugsySailor]

Two minutes of a Lake Superior sunrise.

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

Wow looks like M*tch McC*nn*ll got a new nurse

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

can @wilw be the one to roll 47's saving throws? 🙏

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

One small 👌 perk of my schedule is that for a couple weeks I get to see this

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

MTG is kiki and DND is bouba

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

Take him home, Jesus; he's reheating his own nachos.

[Moose 🫎 @OpenMoose]

The Job Market Just Got Worse (And It's Not Stopping) https://t.co/kogRyR4DLc

[marqix ☆ @fwmarqix]

A cat café in Tokyo has hired me as a "cat mood interpreter" and I don't actually have any qualifications but I'm somehow very good at it.

Manager: We need someone to tell customers what the cats are feeling.

Me: I'm not a cat expert.

Manager: Do you understand cats?

Me: I mean... sometimes?

Manager: You're hired.

First day:

Customer: Why won't this cat come to me?

Me: looks at cat

Cat: sitting with back turned

Me: You're being too eager. The cat finds it overwhelming.

Customer: How do you know?

Me: Look at the tail. It's twitching. That's overstimulation.

Customer: What should I do?

Me: Ignore the cat completely.

Customer: That seems counterproductive.

Me: Trust me.

Customer ignored the cat.

Cat immediately became interested.

Walked over.

Sat on customer's lap.

Customer: You're magic.

Me: I'm just paying attention.

Second day:

Manager: Customer wants to know which cat likes them best.

Me: observes the room

Three cats are nearby.

Cat 1: Looking away.

Cat 2: Grooming itself.

Cat 3: Slow blink at customer.

Me: Cat 3. The tabby.

Customer: How do you know?

Me: Slow blink is a cat kiss. Cat 3 is in love with you.

Customer: crying

Manager: You made a customer cry.

Me: Happy tears!

Customer: I've never been loved by a cat before!

Third day:

New customer: Why is that cat screaming at me?

Cat: loud meowing

Me: That's not screaming. That's talking.

Customer: About what?

Me: listens to the meow pattern

Me: You have treats. The cat would like some.

Customer: I didn't bring treats!

Me: Check your pocket.

Customer: checks, finds treats from earlier visit

Customer: How did you know?

Me: The cat's pitch. It's specifically the "you have food" pitch.

Customer: Cats have different pitches?

Me: Seven that I've identified.

Manager: taking notes

Fourth day:

Customer: This cat keeps bringing me toys.

Cat: drops mouse toy at customer's feet

Me: The cat wants to play.

Customer: I threw it three times. The cat won't stop.

Me: Did you throw it enthusiastically?

Customer: I guess?

Me: You have to throw it reluctantly. Cats prefer to convince you to play.

Customer: That makes no sense.

Me: Cats make no sense. But it works.

Customer threw it half-heartedly.

Cat: delighted

Played for five minutes, then stopped on its own.

Customer: WHAT.

Me: Psychology.

Fifth day:

Manager: We're getting reviews mentioning you specifically.

Me: Really?

Manager: "Cat interpreter is a genius." "Finally someone explained my cat's behavior." "I understand cats now."

Me: I'm just... observing?

Manager: You're translating. It's a gift.

Sixth day:

A cat sat on my lap.

Wouldn't move.

Customer: What's the cat saying?

Me: That I need a break.

Manager: Take fifteen minutes.

Me: The cat is managing me now?

Manager: The cat knows burnout when it sees it.

I took a break.

The cat purred the entire time.

Seventh day:

Customer: Why does this cat keep knocking things off the table?

Cat: pushes cup toward edge

Me: The cat is testing physics.

Customer: What?

Me: Seriously. Cats test gravity. It's enrichment.

Customer: Should I stop it?

Me: Only if you want to deprive the cat of scientific discovery.

Customer: ...I'll let it continue.

Manager: You're justifying chaos now.

Me: I'm explaining motivation!

Eighth day:

A stressed customer came in.

Me: The gray cat. Third shelf. That's your cat today.

Customer: How do you know?

Me: That cat specializes in anxiety relief. Very calming energy.

Customer sat with the gray cat.

Thirty minutes later: visibly relaxed.

Customer: I feel so much better.

Me: The cat knew.

Manager: How do you do this?

Me: Cats have specialties. You just have to match them with the right human.

Ninth day:

Manager: We want you full-time.

Me: As a cat interpreter?

Manager: As Cat Experience Manager.

Me: That's a title?

Manager: It is now.

I accepted.

Tenth day:

Training a new employee.

Employee: How do I know what the cats want?......🧵