PAUL CARMO

I eat pickled onion Monster Munch a lot and am excellent at being rubbish.

[truth'n soul is dead @mrtruthandsoul]

Unfortunately the first rule of being vegan isn't the same as the the first rule of Fight Club

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

I'd like to be on #celebritymastermind but I'm not famous and I'm thick as fuck.

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

@HeartHasGone You still on here.

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

"Would I like to give £5 to buy carrots for the donkeys at our animal sanctuary?"read the unsolicited email.
"Would I fuck" I replied.

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

It's 2am and I'm counting sheep.
I'm not sleepy or anything....I'ce got myself a job on a hill farm.
I fucking hate it.....it's shit :-(

[Sexpot Sharon @Sexpot_Sharon]

Mel B 👀 #Xfactor

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

Tonight an old lady got punched and knocked out cold by some local arsehole from the next town.#England2014

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

When you have a £500 overdraft and you fool yourself into thinking you have £100 because you're only £400 in the red.#fucked

[TEA5E @TEA5E]

😍

https://t.co/3xljw2ezPr

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

@Jacksons @HardwickLive Thanks for an amazing performance.I still can't believe you were performing in Sedgefield.What a blast.

[The Jacksons @Jacksons]

Had a blast @HardwickLive this weekend! What an amazing time with our fans!!
http://t.co/ON01AV8E50

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

I see Robin Williams is still dead.

[Master Of Reality @InstantKarmaNow]

USA Russia China UK France Germany must get hold of Middle East- invade occupy colonise re educate rehabilitate -this is Japan 1945 NOW

[Quagmire @rickkondell]

I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

I really need a girlfriend.I've registered with Plenty Of Flange or whatever it's called.

[Le Trav @TravLeBlanc]

When I'm a billionaire, I will use cats instead of toilet paper.

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

Waking up,looking at the clock and realising you've still got three hours before you have to get up.
Absolutely priceless

[PAUL CARMO @PAULCARMO]

Get out of bed,brush teeth,have a shite,put something mildly amusing on Twitter and/or Facebook and relax.