Polly Gone

You are welcome to follow me. I mean, you probably won't, but you can.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Once, in the produce section, I saw a lady snapping the butts off her asparagus spears before putting them in her cart and telling her kid they shouldn’t pay for the parts that just go in the trash. That was over 10 years ago and I still can’t decide if she’s a genius or thief.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

@ChristianLipski Time to unpack your Trapper Keeper!

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Happy 4th of July Weekend, y’all! I’m so happy to celebrate our independence. 🎉🎊💥🥂 Just kidding. We’re all fucked. Try not to blow anything up.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

The reports of my death were not entirely inaccurate. #helloexistentialcrisis #newandimproved #Imstillhere

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

@hipstermermaid You clearly haven't tried Old Navy's cargo sweatpants.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

@EyeOfCthulhu Can't you just buy your sex toys off the internet like normal people?

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Is the Olympics over yet? I think my capacity for caring ended when I found out Patsy and Edina weren't actually competing.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

One of these days, I am going to get help for my procrastination problem.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Is it possible to become a prostitute without ever having sex? This might solve many of...er...my friend's problems.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Theory: If I were as good at hiding my feelings as I am at (apparently) hiding my keys, I'd be less horny and at actually work on time.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

@EyeOfCthulhu Cute. You know, I don't exactly hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Ok, lady. Let's make an agreement. You don't tell me how to do my job and I won't tell you where to stick that comically large Frappuccino.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

If a guy is rude to me, I assume it's because he likes me. If a girl is rude to me, I assume it's because she wants to play bitch chicken.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

There's a spider on the ceiling above me. I could kill it, but I have decided instead to cry because there is no one else her to do it.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Planning a weekend visit with the family. What do the airlines charge for emotional baggage these days?

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Jeebus. Stop staring at my like I have done something wrong. #vaguetweet

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

@alisonhallett The answer is @hollywoodTFAW

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

@Pappy_McStabby She also had this choice suggestion: Say you are "taken care of". That way, they will think you are chosing not to work.

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Mom: Don't say you're unemployed. It makes you sound like a failure. Say you're "open to suggestions."

[Polly Gone @PA_Polly]

Life is like some yuppie honky tonk song today. Laid off. Broke a heel. Lost an earring. Sat on my smart phone and put my cat to sleep.