Pally Steinberg

Palestinian inventor of the tunnel. Found God (in the tunnels) and converted to Judaism. Also invented the bagel hole.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People think I invented astrology to predict romance.

Absolutely not.

I invented it because Jewish history taught me one lesson: If trouble is coming, I’d like a little advance notice.

Not much.

A week is luxurious.

Just enough time to cancel dinner, change my flight.

"Mercury is in retrograde” is ancient code for: “The Palestinians will fire a their newest and only rocket invention any second so double-check the Iron Dome, pack a go-bag, and don’t sit near the windows.”

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

Have you ever tried charging an electric car in New York City?

It is a full-scale embarrassment to the future of transportation.

The city installs thousands of “fast chargers” that either don’t work, get occupied by gas cars, or take longer than a siege to deliver 20 percent battery.

Back in Gaza we kept entire rocket batteries powered and ready through multi-day blackouts, using scavenged solar panels, jury-rigged inverters, and zero official infrastructure.

Yesterday I watched a guy in a Rivian sit in a parking garage for two hours staring at a red error light while muttering about “systemic underfunding.”

This is not a "technical problem"

I saw a population that has never had to keep the launchers hot when the grid is gone.

I emailed AOC immediately and offered to redesign the entire EV charging network.

Told her I can guarantee uptime using nothing but the same adaptive power doctrine, decoy load management, and rapid-repair protocols that keep our arsenals combat-ready while Con Edison is still writing press releases.

Apparently even the strongest Green New Deal voices still prefer their innovation to come with a corporate partnership and a land acknowledgment.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

I invented FAQs.

People kept asking me the exact same questions.

"When are you getting married?"

"When are you having kids?"

"When are you buying a house?"

After the four thousandth Thanksgiving and the 20th time doing the 4 questions, I realized humanity desperately needed Frequently Asked Questions.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People ask why I became an inventor.

Well you see, I spent years thinking I had a rare medical condition.

When I see a problem... I try to fix it.

I spent years watching Hamas explain why nothing was ever their fault.

Eventually I did what any Jew does and asked questions,

"Has anyone considered... solving the problem instead?"

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

I invented the remote control.

It began the day my father refused to get up from the couch to change the channel during the Super Bowl.

Jewish engineering at its finest: maximum comfort and zero unnecessary movement.

My Palestinian neighbor looked at the same problem and invented the opposite solution.

They stay on the couch too, but instead of changing the channel, they change the target list and fired another rocket at someone else’s living room but instead landed on their school, again.

One of us figured out how to stay seated and still get what we want.

The other figured out how to stay seated and still claim victimhood when the response arrives.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

I spent years asking,

"How do we keep passengers alive during an accident?" and came up with seatbelts.

Hamas asked the Palestinian public,

"How do we make civilians part of the strategy?" and have only gone on to invent rockets.

It is amazing how many lives you can save when you don't write the press release first.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

One of my least appreciated inventions was astronomy.

People think astronomy was about discovering the universe.

Not for Jews.

I invented astronomy when trying to figure out when to ask my boss for vacation.

I asked my friends

"When is Yom Kippur?"

"It's early this year."

Compared to what?

I invented astronomy to know when dinner was.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People think disaster recovery is an IT concept.

We literally built holidays around,

"Remember that disaster when they kicked us out?"

"Good."

"Here's dinner."

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People think two-factor authentication is secure.

Try being asked,

"Who's your mother?"

"What synagogue?"

"Which camp?"

"Who's your rabbi?"

Identity verification was solved centuries ago.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People ask why Jews argue so much.

Because for thousands of years our education system rewarded asking questions instead of pretending you already knew the answer.

Every startup now calls that high agency and innovation.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

I invented Jewish Geography after realizing Judaism had a namespace collision problem.

We somehow spent 3,000 years using the same twelve first names.

"Do you know David Cohen?"

Of course.

Which one?

Orthodontist David?

Camp David?

Teaneck David?

Bad-back David?

Eventually I developed an algorithm.

LinkedIn later copied it and charged $39.99 a month.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People ask how Jews survived thousands of years without a country.

Simple.

We invented portable civilization.

Destroy the building?

We'll rent another one.

Burn the books?

Someone has copies.

Scatter everyone across continents?

We'll still somehow have your cousin's phone number.

Silicon Valley calls this distributed systems.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People think punctuality is a modern invention.

It's my Jewish invention.

Try explaining to the Creator,

"I got stuck in traffic."

Every Friday for thousands of years we've had a non-negotiable deadline determined by the rotation of the Earth.

Google Calendar just digitized the concept.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

I didn't invent the backup camera because drivers couldn't reverse.

I invented it because every Jewish father reverses exactly like this:

"Can somebody get out and look?"

Now there are four relatives directing traffic.

One says left.

One says right.

One says stop.

One isn't even looking at the car.

The camera was simpler.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

My inventions generally involve soup, tech, defense, spreadsheets, and better luggage.

I leave the explosives to people with different hobbies.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People think I invented wireless earbuds because I was inspired by music.

No.

They were inspired by Jewish mothers.

I needed a way to pretend I couldn't hear,

"So... when are you giving me grandchildren?"

The technology worked.

The guilt signal still penetrated.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

Have you ever sat in Manhattan traffic during rush hour? It is an insult to the very concept of movement.

The city spends hundreds of millions on “smart traffic lights” and congestion pricing just so you can still sit motionless for twenty minutes while a single double-parked Amazon van ruins an entire avenue.

Back in Gaza we launched coordinated multi-front rocket salvos on a fixed timetable, in broad daylight, under constant aerial surveillance, and still hit the release window every single time.

Yesterday I watched a Tesla Cybertruck block three lanes on the West Side Highway because the driver was updating the software.

I didn’t see a glitch.

I saw a society that has never had to move under real pressure.

I emailed Mamdani immediately and offered to take over the Department of Transportation.

Told him I can clear Midtown using nothing but the same timing discipline, decoy tactics, and rapid-reload doctrine that lets us empty an entire arsenal before the Iron Dome finishes its coffee.

Still waiting on a reply.

Apparently New York only wants innovation that comes with a climate impact statement and a free Palestine hashtag.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

The QR code I invented was aiming to solve a real problem.

Synagogue seating charts.

Every holiday somebody asks,

"Where's David?"

Which David?

Blue tie David?

Miami David?

The David who used to be engaged to Rachel?

Or the other Rachel?

I realized names had failed as an indexing system.

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

People think I invented the flashlight for camping.

You've clearly never watched my father look for a dropped screw.

He'll spend forty-five minutes on the kitchen floor inspecting grout lines like he's investigating a crime scene.

Eventually I realized sunlight wasn't available on demand.

The flashlight was born.

He still says,

"Hold it a little closer."

[Pally Steinberg @PallySteinberg]

Someone asked if I had any ideas for peace in the Middle East.

I said yes.

Nobody is allowed to post online for six months.

No podcasts.

No Twitter.

No Instagram infographics.

No "actually..." threads.

Everyone has to spend that time making shawarma.

Worst case scenario, nothing changes.

Best case scenario, at least lunch improves.