John Boehner*

I'm Speaker of the Hizzy, and bitches be after my riches. Also, Mike Gravel be after my gavel. Or gavelle, I guess, depending on how you say Gravel.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

You know Hu's in D.C. this week? Oh, crap; that joke doesn't work written out. Just pretend you said "Who?" and I punched you in the nuts.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

Brian Williams has, like, SUPER TINY HANDS. It wigged me out! Also, I had just taken some primo mescaline, but I don't think that's why.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

@MildlyRelevant NP. But remember, I'm Speaker now and my word is law. Better check out my stream to see if you're doing anything illegal.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

Grover Norquist says gov't should be small enough to drown in bathtub. Then he says, "and I know EXACTLY how small that is." Creepy dude.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

One thing I've always wanted to do is to meet Lionel Richie.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

Wow, I'm sure glad some commie pinko isn't doing fake tweets from me in the name of #humor or #satire. #Cthulhu fhtagn!

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

I met a man who told me he hadn't had a bite in weeks. So I punched him in the mouth and said, "Now you've got no teeth!" I love that joke.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

New greeting - Cantor: "Tea party on, John!" Me: "Tea party on, Eric!" Then we high five, like in that movie! Who says we don't have fun?

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

No more business as usual! We're uprooting the whole culture of our Congress! To-ga! To-ga! To-ga! To-ga!

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

Sometimes, I have words left over after I'm done tweeting for the day jobkiller takeover bailout death-panel private-sector bloated.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

#submomforjob I wonder if I'll have better luck asking Debbie for a blowmom? I dunno, she's pretty sharp. Maybe a handmom?

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

My sub-"mom"-for-"job" idea is gonna be huge. "More and better moms for the American people!" "Moms, moms, moms!" Yup, it's a winner!

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

1st priority: Substitute word "mom" for "job" in every usage. People love jobs, but they love moms even more. Stop mom-killing Obamacare!

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

My duty: stop job-killing programs. Also, banish job-killing broccoli from the cafeteria and get the job-killing lint off this sweater vest.

[John Boehner* @PapaBoehner]

Pledging to end business as usual IS business as usual. Instead, I'll continue business as usual, thereby ending it. Dig? Have some gin.