Reluctant Father

Just a new dad, trying to make good on a bad mistake. Come learn with me

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Took a brief break from Twitter but have some amazing news! Turns out my wife lied when she said she got her tubes tied! #Expecting #Godno

[Childhood Shows @ChildhoodShows]

Happy Valentines Day

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@dominos, why do I feel like your 'winter survival deal' is more likely to reduce my life expectancy? #ThursdayThought

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Hahahahahahahahaha. Seriously though, we need to take better care of our roads people. THIS IS NO LAUGHING MATTER https://t.co/FH1UfYRcs7

[co5design @co5design]

#NationalPotholeDay eh? Well I never ...

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

My number one fear is that my son will outlive me.
No child should ever have to bury their father #FatherIWillTakeCareofYou #fatherson

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Teaching my son about #MLK Too many great quotes to choose from, but I think this best sums him up:
"Breakfast is important. Eat breakfast."

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Tried to #plantasmile on my son today but mixed the breakfast servings up & now I'm high as fuck at work #ProzacMondays #TheyGiveThisToKids

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Son: Someone came in my room last night and kept whispering "you've failed me" in my ear
Me: What were you doing awake at 2.15am?

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

My son is always making jokes.
Yesterday he said mummy's new boyfriend drives a sportscar & could beat me up.
I hate that bitch
And his mum

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Used to love going to the horses, but they told me I couldn't enter my 3 year old son because the jockeys are "adults"! What a crock of shit

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

Today my son asked me what are my three proudest attributes
I told him:
Length
Rigidity
Girth
#parenting #SizeIsEverything

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@david8hughes What has been your proudest moment as a father? I'll remind you, this is a family account #parentingtips

[David Hughes @david8hughes]

The only tattoos I regret are the ones I got on my back & on my baby.

[Dad Joke Han Solo @dadjokehansolo]

Ben: You smell like bantha fodder
Me: Then you do too!
Ben: What?
Me: "Like fodder like son!"

Why does Ben shake with rage so often?

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@Tristan_Greg Neither of us are going to change each other's minds. I've never met you, you've never met me. Let's leave it at that

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@Tristan_Greg It's actually been every1 in my office Tweeting you, they think it's hilarious. This is pointless, though.

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@Tristan_Greg Yeah, you got me on the grammar. Actually just call em as I see em. #BLM+feminism are, for the most part, fighting oppression

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@Tristan_Greg And btw honey, I am fucking hilarious

[Reluctant Father @ParentingTipz]

@Tristan_Greg OK. You make the world a worse place by wanting to maintain it in the fucked-up state its in. Your a fucking relic. And a cunt