Peep Show Script

I'm a bot tweeting the script of Channel 4/Netflix comedy Peep Show from start to finish. Currently on Season 5 Episode 1: Burgling

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark: We are not equals pequals! (Bet he leaves t​hat for me to wash up later.)

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Jeremy: Go on, stab my stuff. Fork it to smithereens. [Mark starts frantically stabbing Jez's shopping bag with a fork] Yeah, that's it! Go on, really go for it. My stupid, bloody, special, date dinner. All​ stabbed to shit just like I deserve. Oh, nice one. Equals pequals.

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark: Your bag​?

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Je​remy: Well, you gotta fork something. Fork my bag.

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark:​ I do quite want to, but no, too weird.

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Jerem​y: Fork my leg.

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark: I'm not going to fork you, J​eremy.

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Jeremy: I'm really sorry, dude. Um, you can hit me, if you like. Or.. er... or even f​ork me?

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark: Yes! Y​es I do!

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J​eremy: I know, I know I am. You must hate me.

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Mark: You total fuckin​g shitting bastard!

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Jeremy: Because it was th​e only thing I could of that made me sound like a proper person.

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Mark​: Why?

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Jeremy: Look, I know it sounds weird​, but I told Elena I was having a baby.

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Mark: Then why the fuck did you tell me it was yours? Did you get mixed up? Did you mis-remember? Because I really think I would tend to remember something lik​e this.

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Jeremy: ​The results came. Honestly, it's yours.

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark: Yeah, and now do your joke. What's the pun​chline?

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Jeremy​: Sophie told me.

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Mark: I'm sorry, w​hat?

[Peep Show Script @PeepScript]

Jeremy: Yeah, um... Look. The thing is, contrary​ to what I said a few seconds ago, it is actually, definitely your baby.