Comedy

Puns, one liners, observational gags and routines I've thought of when having a pint or two. Feedback and followers appreciated. Please shout if misjudged.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Excellent weekend. Found 22p. I intend to put them to a pack of 1000 carrot seeds. If I sell the carrots at 8p each that could net me £80.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

@lafipolitics @afneil Decent reply. If I was more active on social media I would probably be doing a "lost all faith in voters" but agree that some faith lost in politics may be justified.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

@lafipolitics @afneil It is summer but someone with a bit of sense might look at the evidence with an enquiring mind. I suspect your brain cells have receded faster than a glacier (not a fox's mint you fool).

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

@Ameer_Kotecha Nothing you say is genuinely interesting. You appear to focus on abuse rather than defining problems, offering solutions and giving people a realistic vision. We would need a miracle worker to sort the problems the right have created. You are a proper fool.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

@Ameer_Kotecha I think you will find the right were breaking things so quickly that noone could keep up with putting them right. I suggest you stop focussing on a man who has some decency and state the problems and order for sorting them you fool.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Are "sunset cruisers" people who are oblivious to the contribution to climate change and the impending doom?

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

I hate Saturday morning radio and TV. Packed full of smug celebrity guests being smug and talking about themselves.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

The country is ill
Symptoms
Ill informed it sounds like
Prescribe some facts
Not working
Try a dose of reality
Etc etc

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Did the Makerfield voters know it wasn't a vote on what to do with witches?

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

The bees are back.
The cream teas are back.
Soon, the warm seas will be back.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Spider mug, spider mug.
There's been a spider in this mug.
Spider mug, spider mug.
There's been a spider in this mug.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Big squirrels, the size of a horse, if not bigger.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Hypocrites, heard a bloke say "you should not be paying for their mistakes, " but he is happy to help this guy get others to pay for his mistakes that seem to have created his situation

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

I had a viewing on my flat today by a fly. He came in the window, unannounced and not even accompanied by an estate agent, flew from room to room etc etc

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

If got no port, I've got no sherry and I've got no Crème de Cassis. Shouldn't have left the pub.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

2023 was a bad year, my wife had left, my father died, I was effectively dismissed from work and, if things were not bad enough, I lost my Beastie Boys CD. Sadly true and just looked in my car for the Cd. Still not there.

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Queues, cues and thank cues. Has to me a good routine and punch line. Youngsters have got it wrong way round, push in front of elderly and disabled at bus stop and then start a queue in wether spoons. Joke maybe, woman they pushed in front of to get on bus...

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

Does velcrow also work on seagulls and pigeons?

[Comedy @PenAndPint]

I think they've got the bleeps on the radio the wrong way round. They should be bleeping people who say things like "I'm so blessed" and then say, "Sorry, someone was being a *!+#".