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.written in a dead language.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

there's an entire group of people who delight in describing knots. i think maybe it was an NPR interview with someone in the international guild of knot tyers. anyway he said there was only one way to be untangled yet an infinite number of ways to become knotted.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i have to keep reminding myself it's okay to cry.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i will find the strength i need to get through another day.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i walked 2 miles along the canal this morning. i'm proud of myself for keeping it up and it's always nice to get away from my normal route.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i'm starting to miss aspects of who i was before the medication. it's like my creativity was shut off, my want for plants and pillbugs has completely disappeared, and i'm drowning in things i've collected.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

the mornings are hard to get through. it feels like my heart is twisting in my chest. i'm afraid of being so far behind in life. i throw up before my morning walk more often than not and i fight back tears for several hours. i wish i could get away from myself.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

the strangest thing about being on meds is that i've gone from a maximalist to someone who feels like my belongings are suffocating me.

i don't recognize the person i was before and i'm not sure who i am now. all i know is i wish i had so much less.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i'm still trying to forgive myself for losing my mind. i'm still trying to earn back my trust. i'm still trying.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

trying to accept crying every day is normal in my situation, that it's okay to be flustered and sad when everything is uncertain.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

every time i think i'm moving forward there's a huge setback. can something just work out for me, please?

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i'm trying so hard to take stock in the things i have, to recognize my privileges, to move forward.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i have no other option but to get through another morning, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how slow the minutes pass. this is my life.

i'm working toward changing my situation but i have a mountain to move and only a shovel to work with.

patience is hard to foster.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i'm doing daily walks, a light arm workout, brain training games, and on the weekends i'm learning how to drive. i understand some people wouldn't think these are big steps, but for me they are and i'm going to try to be proud of my accomplishments.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i wish i was brave enough to let people close or strong enough to forgive myself.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

slowly learning how to be gentle and patient with myself.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i'm leaving the house to walk several times a day now. it feels a little sisyphean, as if i'm trying to get away but i always end up back home.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

it's a beautiful cool blue morning. for a moment during my walk, i forgot myself.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

trying to accept that monotony is a gift, a respite, and a sign of safety. focusing on being thankful for being able to take my time to recover and all the pieces and persons who make that possible.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

this morning i'm just so sorry. i'm sorry i went on for years without medication, care, or employment. i'm sorry i didn't understand how bad my psychosis was, that it was psychosis, that i needed help. i'm sorry i dragged others into it. i'm sorry i pushed people away.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i keep finding the strength to get through another day.

i know i should be grateful. it could be so much worse. i have to rebuild but i'm not homeless. i have food. i have a friend. i have the internet, coffee.

i managed to get through yesterday without crying.

[👁🎯👁 @PepperNacl]

i practiced driving yesterday. i leave the house every chance i get. it's proof i'm moving forward. proof that, though it feels slow, i am progressing.

i'm keeping up on my walking. i walk 45-60 minutes every day.

i'm learning to be patient with myself and the process.