Perfect Moms

...or something to that effect.

She/Her

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

I’m now at the age where closed captions are on at all times.

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

8 had a party and one kid asked for an ice water when offered a drink.

So now I’m making her go over my taxes and tell me her skin care routine.

[A Bearer Of Dad News @HomeWithPeanut]

Anyone: My finger hurts

WebMD: You died five days ago

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

H to 7: keep it up and I’ll make you watch Ghostbuster rated R. Also known as poltergeist

[Daveastated @Daveastated]

Me: would you like to role play?

Her: definitely, as long as your part can be recast.

[One Awkward Mom @oneawkwardmom]

Some of you were never taken down in the middle of the night by a butterfly hair clip to the foot and it shows

[meghan @deloisivete]

My husband: don’t buy any more stuff for the kids, after Christmas and birthdays they don’t need it

Also my husband: *takes the 6yo with him to get groceries and comes back with a Batman costume*

[Daveastated @Daveastated]

*first day as a defence attorney*

Me: I would like to submit as Exhibit A, my client's unused 'get out of jail free' card.

[Maddy 👗👟👒🍃☂️ @MadHatterMommy]

Can't, busy deleting typos to make tge same ones again before tweeting

[I Hide From My Kids @IHideFromMyKids]

6yo: what’s this? [pointing to my razor]
Him: mommy’s razor
6yo: what’s it for?
Him: shaving
6yo: but mommy doesn’t have a beard
Him: exactly

[omg he’s so dead]

[K Squared @thatdentaldude]

I saw an old lady get hit by a car the other day and I couldn't believe my eyes. I sat there watching for hours as person after person walked by without rendering aid.

[Real Life Mommy @reallifemommy3]

4: I didn’t have to do this at my first mom’s house

Me: Legit complaint if I wasn’t your only mom

[Dad Pickup Line @dadpickupline]

My dog somehow opened the sliding back door hours ago while the heater’s been on and I don’t think I’d feel this betrayed if my wife cheated on me

[LauraTheExplora 🎒 @lalal0r]

My new year’s resolution is ₜₒ ₜᵣᵧ ₜₒ ₜₐₖₑ ₒᵥₑᵣ ₜₕₑ WₒᵣₗD!

KIDDING. Everything is fucked and you’re all on your own.

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

@lalal0r You must work for the government

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

So, is this a NY resolution or an "I'll start Monday" sort of thing?

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

@campfireburning Turn those selfies into NFT’s

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

My kids have added routine Covid testing to their “doctor” pretend play.

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

@campfireburning I hope it’s long enough to brush it!

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

Let's play a game. Pulled my neck washing my hair. How old am I now?

[Perfect Moms @PerfectMoms]

@Thia_theMombie @Average_Dad1 😂alright, here’s what you’ll do.

Cry.