Peter Griffin

Living in Quahog with Louis, Stewie, Chris & Meg. I hate Meg.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can't see them anymore.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

Just made it through airport security. I passed.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

I went on a diet, in 2 weeks I lost 14 days.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

Good Morning Gents

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

Someone telling me to calm down when I was already calm unleashes a fury that not even hell can contain.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

Santa's not real.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

*Turns on radio* "Shine bright like a-" *Turns off radio*

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

I would lose weight, but I hate losing.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

Meg just attempted suicide. Just another thing she failed at..

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

What if Wiz Khalifa's fans cut everytime he smoked weed..

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

I got 99 problems and money could solve at least 73 of them.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

I hate when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn't follow the script.

[Peter Griffin @PetersHumor]

If I could have dinner with any 2 people from history, I'd pick Anne Frank & Hitler. It would be so awkward for Hitler.