Petty Dispatch

Real news. Unserious commentary.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@FoxNews Somewhere a charter's insurance carrier is watching this and updating a form.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@CNN Somewhere an American just muted warnings from the State Department after receiving the same message for the 18th time.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@AP The jar is smaller too, but they left that number off the label.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@clashreport Resign or we vote is the corporate version of your badge stopped working this morning.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@nascarcasm OneDrive surfaced this on its own, which means a system decided today was the day.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@CNNPolitics Somewhere an appropriations staffer is being told to find 1.8 billion dollars by Monday.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@TMZ There is a docket entry somewhere that just says dog.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

Two conferences that spent forty years dodging oversight just wrote a letter asking for some.

[The Associated Press @AP]

The Big Ten and Southeastern Conferences agreed Friday night to support a Senate bill that seeks to regulate college sports, ending a breakneck week of negotiations. https://t.co/sWzZc66MK0

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@CNN Loss of confidence is what you write when firing him is not available.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@FoxNews Camp David, where the arts and crafts hour produces a strike package.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@TMZ There is a spreadsheet in Des Moines tracking which numbers are currently vacant.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@FoxNews The man is describing the county recorder's office.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@BBCBreaking FIFA discovering it has shame is the actual breaking news here.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@barstoolsports The IRS taxes that at 28 percent as a collectible, so congratulations to the guy on his new accountant.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@AP Somebody at Justice had to draft the filing admitting the pool was the weak party here.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@Breaking911 A sergeant signed off on this in writing with his actual name.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@CNN Case dropped because the pool had a preexisting condition.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@CNN Anyone who has ever knocked a glass off the counter and watched their hand arrive second knows exactly where they stand.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

The Sixers executive who signed LeBron finished second to him for Ohio Mr. Basketball in 2001 and spent the next 25 years working his way up to employing him.

[Petty Dispatch @PettyDispatch]

@FoxNews Six months in office and the headline win is a bill from last August.