🍺 RIGHT. NO MORE HIDING.
I’ve ranked all 20 Premier League clubs for 2026/27.
🏆 Arsenal champions
🔵 Chelsea 2nd
⚪ Spurs up to 6th
🟣 Villa down in 10th
⚫ Newcastle 11th
⬇️ Sunderland, Coventry & Hull gone
Some of this will look clever by Christmas.
Some of it will look like absolute fucking b#llocks. 😂
Come and tell me where I’ve lost the plot 👇
https://t.co/xJslSrKMZ1
Spurs weren’t just beaten.
They were comprehensively exposed.
Brentford finished with roughly 3.2 xG to Spurs’ 0.3, scored three, missed a penalty and could quite reasonably feel they should have had more.
The press was played through, runners weren’t tracked, second balls were lost, the back line was repeatedly exposed and the forward line created almost nothing.
That is not “one of those days”.
That is a team with structural problems, an unfinished attack and too many players still treating defending like somebody else’s responsibility.
£300m has changed the names.
It hasn’t changed the mentality.
And somehow, 3–0 actually flattered them. 🍺⚽
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING - UPDATE
Now we’ve seen the teams, that Dortmund back three looks like the obvious pressure point.
Gadou, Anton and Bensebaini have got Kane, Díaz and Olise coming at them, with Kimmich and Pavlović controlling things behind.
Dortmund have gone young and exciting themselves — Karetsas and Inácio start behind Guirassy — so there’s plenty of attacking intent on both sides.
Basically?
This has not made us think there’ll be fewer f#cking goals. 😂
Prediction stays: Dortmund 1–2 Bayern.
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: BORUSSIA DORTMUND v BAYERN MUNICH
Well, if you’re going to start the German season, you might as well start it properly.
Dortmund. Bayern. A trophy. 🍺🇩🇪
The Franz Beckenbauer Supercup kicks things off at Signal Iduna Park.
🟡⚫ BORUSSIA DORTMUND
Dortmund finished runners-up to Bayern last season, which earned them this spot after Bayern also went and won the bloody cup.
And at home, they’ll fancy making an early statement.
Serhou Guirassy remains the obvious danger, while exciting new arrival Konstantinos Karetsas has already impressed in pre-season.
Joey Veerman and Giannis Konstantelias have arrived too, although the latter has barely had time to learn where the toilets are.
The problem?
Emre Can and Nico Schlotterbeck are both out.
Not ideal when Harry Kane might be wandering around nearby.
🔴 BAYERN MUNICH
League champions.
Cup winners.
And once again the side everybody in Germany has to somehow fucking stop.
Bayern arrive having won five of their six pre-season games, with Kane, Michael Olise and Luis Díaz providing the sort of front line that makes defenders consider alternative careers.
Kane and Olise only recently returned after the World Cup, though, while Jamal Musiala remains a doubt.
So Bayern may not quite be at full throttle yet.
Which is probably Dortmund’s best news of the evening.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Dortmund’s midfield against Bayern’s.
Jobe Bellingham and Felix Nmecha have looked like Kovac’s preferred pairing, but controlling Kimmich and stopping Bayern feeding that front line is another matter entirely.
And then there’s the atmosphere.
Signal Iduna Park. Dortmund v Bayern. First trophy of the season.
Should be pleasantly restrained. 😂
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: DORTMUND 1–2 BAYERN
Dortmund at home makes this interesting.
But Bayern still look stronger where it matters.
2–1 Bayern.
Kane scoring would surprise absolutely nobody.
BVB? Bayern? Who lifts the first trophy of the season? 👇
🕢 19:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
That was f#cking pathetic from Spurs.
Not just poor. Not just sloppy. Gutless.
No urgency, no aggression, no intensity and absolutely nobody taking responsibility. Brentford look like they actually want to win the game; Spurs look like they’ve been dragged out for a pre-season friendly they couldn’t be arsed to play.
£300m spent and I genuinely cannot name one Spurs player who comes out of that half with any credit.
Bad passes can be fixed. Bad decisions can be coached.
A complete lack of desire is far more worrying. 🍺⚽
@SpursOfficial Kinsky has apparently forgotten the first rule of goalkeeping:
If you can’t hold it, parry it WIDE.
Not straight back into the middle like you’re teeing up the opposition.
Spurs are absolutely determined to make this difficult for themselves. 🍺⚽
@PolymarketSport £300m spent and Polymarket are already writing the obituary after 16 minutes. 😂
Give it another ten and they’ll have opened a market on whether Spurs make it to half-time.
Plenty of football left yet. 🍺⚽
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: ESPANYOL v REAL MADRID
Well then.
José Mourinho is back in La Liga.
Because apparently Spanish football had become far too peaceful. 😂🍺
⚪🔵 ESPANYOL
Espanyol have already started.
And started very fucking well.
3–0 against Levante on opening weekend means they come into this with three points, three goals and a clean sheet.
More importantly, they’ve already played a competitive league game while Madrid are only just getting started.
Manolo González may even stick with virtually the same side.
At home, with Madrid still figuring themselves out?
They’ll see an opportunity.
⚪ REAL MADRID
Where do we begin?
Mourinho. Back at Real Madrid.
Six major summer signings, a squad given another fairly serious makeover, and a mission to win back a league title Madrid haven’t lifted for two seasons.
Bernardo Silva, Marc Cucurella, Ibrahima Konaté, Denzel Dumfries and Yan Diomande could all be involved from the start.
And then, obviously, there’s still Vinícius and Mbappé.
Ridiculous really.
But Madrid aren't at full strength.
Militão, Rodrygo, Tchouaméni, Mendy and Endrick are among those missing.
So this might not be quite as straightforward as the names on the teamsheet suggest.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Mourinho’s new Madrid.
That’s it.
How much has actually changed?
Does Bernardo immediately take control of the midfield?
How do Mbappé and Vinícius fit into Mourinho’s version of this side?
And how quickly can half a new team start looking like an actual team?
Espanyol will be delighted if the answer is:
Not very f#cking quickly.
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: ESPANYOL 1–2 REAL MADRID
This feels trickier than it looks.
Espanyol are already up and running, they’re at home and Madrid are still bedding in a ridiculous number of new pieces.
But eventually the quality should tell.
2–1 Madrid.
And Mourinho beginning his return with a slightly uncomfortable win feels about right. 😂🍺
Espanyol? Madrid? Any opening-night shock incoming? 👇
🕣 20:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
@PolymarketSport Tel defending like he’s been given the afternoon off.
One runner, one bit of movement and suddenly the entire concept of marking has disappeared.
F#cking Spurs. 🍺⚽
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: BORUSSIA DORTMUND v BAYERN MUNICH
Well, if you’re going to start the German season, you might as well start it properly.
Dortmund. Bayern. A trophy. 🍺🇩🇪
The Franz Beckenbauer Supercup kicks things off at Signal Iduna Park.
🟡⚫ BORUSSIA DORTMUND
Dortmund finished runners-up to Bayern last season, which earned them this spot after Bayern also went and won the bloody cup.
And at home, they’ll fancy making an early statement.
Serhou Guirassy remains the obvious danger, while exciting new arrival Konstantinos Karetsas has already impressed in pre-season.
Joey Veerman and Giannis Konstantelias have arrived too, although the latter has barely had time to learn where the toilets are.
The problem?
Emre Can and Nico Schlotterbeck are both out.
Not ideal when Harry Kane might be wandering around nearby.
🔴 BAYERN MUNICH
League champions.
Cup winners.
And once again the side everybody in Germany has to somehow fucking stop.
Bayern arrive having won five of their six pre-season games, with Kane, Michael Olise and Luis Díaz providing the sort of front line that makes defenders consider alternative careers.
Kane and Olise only recently returned after the World Cup, though, while Jamal Musiala remains a doubt.
So Bayern may not quite be at full throttle yet.
Which is probably Dortmund’s best news of the evening.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Dortmund’s midfield against Bayern’s.
Jobe Bellingham and Felix Nmecha have looked like Kovac’s preferred pairing, but controlling Kimmich and stopping Bayern feeding that front line is another matter entirely.
And then there’s the atmosphere.
Signal Iduna Park. Dortmund v Bayern. First trophy of the season.
Should be pleasantly restrained. 😂
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: DORTMUND 1–2 BAYERN
Dortmund at home makes this interesting.
But Bayern still look stronger where it matters.
2–1 Bayern.
Kane scoring would surprise absolutely nobody.
BVB? Bayern? Who lifts the first trophy of the season? 👇
🕢 19:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: BORUSSIA DORTMUND v BAYERN MUNICH
Well, if you’re going to start the German season, you might as well start it properly.
Dortmund. Bayern. A trophy. 🍺🇩🇪
The Franz Beckenbauer Supercup kicks things off at Signal Iduna Park.
🟡⚫ BORUSSIA DORTMUND
Dortmund finished runners-up to Bayern last season, which earned them this spot after Bayern also went and won the bloody cup.
And at home, they’ll fancy making an early statement.
Serhou Guirassy remains the obvious danger, while exciting new arrival Konstantinos Karetsas has already impressed in pre-season.
Joey Veerman and Giannis Konstantelias have arrived too, although the latter has barely had time to learn where the toilets are.
The problem?
Emre Can and Nico Schlotterbeck are both out.
Not ideal when Harry Kane might be wandering around nearby.
🔴 BAYERN MUNICH
League champions.
Cup winners.
And once again the side everybody in Germany has to somehow fucking stop.
Bayern arrive having won five of their six pre-season games, with Kane, Michael Olise and Luis Díaz providing the sort of front line that makes defenders consider alternative careers.
Kane and Olise only recently returned after the World Cup, though, while Jamal Musiala remains a doubt.
So Bayern may not quite be at full throttle yet.
Which is probably Dortmund’s best news of the evening.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Dortmund’s midfield against Bayern’s.
Jobe Bellingham and Felix Nmecha have looked like Kovac’s preferred pairing, but controlling Kimmich and stopping Bayern feeding that front line is another matter entirely.
And then there’s the atmosphere.
Signal Iduna Park. Dortmund v Bayern. First trophy of the season.
Should be pleasantly restrained. 😂
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: DORTMUND 1–2 BAYERN
Dortmund at home makes this interesting.
But Bayern still look stronger where it matters.
2–1 Bayern.
Kane scoring would surprise absolutely nobody.
BVB? Bayern? Who lifts the first trophy of the season? 👇
🕢 19:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: BORUSSIA DORTMUND v BAYERN MUNICH
Well, if you’re going to start the German season, you might as well start it properly.
Dortmund. Bayern. A trophy. 🍺🇩🇪
The Franz Beckenbauer Supercup kicks things off at Signal Iduna Park.
🟡⚫ BORUSSIA DORTMUND
Dortmund finished runners-up to Bayern last season, which earned them this spot after Bayern also went and won the bloody cup.
And at home, they’ll fancy making an early statement.
Serhou Guirassy remains the obvious danger, while exciting new arrival Konstantinos Karetsas has already impressed in pre-season.
Joey Veerman and Giannis Konstantelias have arrived too, although the latter has barely had time to learn where the toilets are.
The problem?
Emre Can and Nico Schlotterbeck are both out.
Not ideal when Harry Kane might be wandering around nearby.
🔴 BAYERN MUNICH
League champions.
Cup winners.
And once again the side everybody in Germany has to somehow fucking stop.
Bayern arrive having won five of their six pre-season games, with Kane, Michael Olise and Luis Díaz providing the sort of front line that makes defenders consider alternative careers.
Kane and Olise only recently returned after the World Cup, though, while Jamal Musiala remains a doubt.
So Bayern may not quite be at full throttle yet.
Which is probably Dortmund’s best news of the evening.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Dortmund’s midfield against Bayern’s.
Jobe Bellingham and Felix Nmecha have looked like Kovac’s preferred pairing, but controlling Kimmich and stopping Bayern feeding that front line is another matter entirely.
And then there’s the atmosphere.
Signal Iduna Park. Dortmund v Bayern. First trophy of the season.
Should be pleasantly restrained. 😂
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: DORTMUND 1–2 BAYERN
Dortmund at home makes this interesting.
But Bayern still look stronger where it matters.
2–1 Bayern.
Kane scoring would surprise absolutely nobody.
BVB? Bayern? Who lifts the first trophy of the season? 👇
🕢 19:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: BORUSSIA DORTMUND v BAYERN MUNICH
Well, if you’re going to start the German season, you might as well start it properly.
Dortmund. Bayern. A trophy. 🍺🇩🇪
The Franz Beckenbauer Supercup kicks things off at Signal Iduna Park.
🟡⚫ BORUSSIA DORTMUND
Dortmund finished runners-up to Bayern last season, which earned them this spot after Bayern also went and won the bloody cup.
And at home, they’ll fancy making an early statement.
Serhou Guirassy remains the obvious danger, while exciting new arrival Konstantinos Karetsas has already impressed in pre-season.
Joey Veerman and Giannis Konstantelias have arrived too, although the latter has barely had time to learn where the toilets are.
The problem?
Emre Can and Nico Schlotterbeck are both out.
Not ideal when Harry Kane might be wandering around nearby.
🔴 BAYERN MUNICH
League champions.
Cup winners.
And once again the side everybody in Germany has to somehow fucking stop.
Bayern arrive having won five of their six pre-season games, with Kane, Michael Olise and Luis Díaz providing the sort of front line that makes defenders consider alternative careers.
Kane and Olise only recently returned after the World Cup, though, while Jamal Musiala remains a doubt.
So Bayern may not quite be at full throttle yet.
Which is probably Dortmund’s best news of the evening.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Dortmund’s midfield against Bayern’s.
Jobe Bellingham and Felix Nmecha have looked like Kovac’s preferred pairing, but controlling Kimmich and stopping Bayern feeding that front line is another matter entirely.
And then there’s the atmosphere.
Signal Iduna Park. Dortmund v Bayern. First trophy of the season.
Should be pleasantly restrained. 😂
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: DORTMUND 1–2 BAYERN
Dortmund at home makes this interesting.
But Bayern still look stronger where it matters.
2–1 Bayern.
Kane scoring would surprise absolutely nobody.
BVB? Bayern? Who lifts the first trophy of the season? 👇
🕢 19:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: BORUSSIA DORTMUND v BAYERN MUNICH
Well, if you’re going to start the German season, you might as well start it properly.
Dortmund. Bayern. A trophy. 🍺🇩🇪
The Franz Beckenbauer Supercup kicks things off at Signal Iduna Park.
🟡⚫ BORUSSIA DORTMUND
Dortmund finished runners-up to Bayern last season, which earned them this spot after Bayern also went and won the bloody cup.
And at home, they’ll fancy making an early statement.
Serhou Guirassy remains the obvious danger, while exciting new arrival Konstantinos Karetsas has already impressed in pre-season.
Joey Veerman and Giannis Konstantelias have arrived too, although the latter has barely had time to learn where the toilets are.
The problem?
Emre Can and Nico Schlotterbeck are both out.
Not ideal when Harry Kane might be wandering around nearby.
🔴 BAYERN MUNICH
League champions.
Cup winners.
And once again the side everybody in Germany has to somehow fucking stop.
Bayern arrive having won five of their six pre-season games, with Kane, Michael Olise and Luis Díaz providing the sort of front line that makes defenders consider alternative careers.
Kane and Olise only recently returned after the World Cup, though, while Jamal Musiala remains a doubt.
So Bayern may not quite be at full throttle yet.
Which is probably Dortmund’s best news of the evening.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Dortmund’s midfield against Bayern’s.
Jobe Bellingham and Felix Nmecha have looked like Kovac’s preferred pairing, but controlling Kimmich and stopping Bayern feeding that front line is another matter entirely.
And then there’s the atmosphere.
Signal Iduna Park. Dortmund v Bayern. First trophy of the season.
Should be pleasantly restrained. 😂
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: DORTMUND 1–2 BAYERN
Dortmund at home makes this interesting.
But Bayern still look stronger where it matters.
2–1 Bayern.
Kane scoring would surprise absolutely nobody.
BVB? Bayern? Who lifts the first trophy of the season? 👇
🕢 19:30 BST
Team news to follow when the XIs drop.
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: INTER v MONZA
Serie A is back.
And the champions get to start at home against the newly promoted lot.
Seems fair. 😂🇮🇹
🔵⚫ INTER
Cristian Chivu’s side begin the defence of the title after winning Serie A and the Coppa Italia last season.
Not a bad little campaign.
And there’s plenty familiar about tonight.
Lautaro Martínez starts on his birthday, with Francesco Pio Esposito alongside him up front.
Barella, Çalhanoğlu, Bastoni and Dimarco are all there too, while John Stones starts on the bench.
The one notable absentee is Henrikh Mkhitaryan, who is suspended.
On paper, Inter should have far too much.
But opening nights occasionally enjoy making everyone look stupid.
⚪🔴 MONZA
Welcome back to Serie A.
Your first assignment:
Inter away.
Lovely. 😂
Monza came through the play-offs to return to the top flight and started competitively with a 3–0 Coppa Italia win over Avellino.
Gustavo Varela scored twice in that one and leads the line again tonight.
But they’ve got problems.
Matteo Pessina, Patrick Ciurria, Leonardo Colombo and Ebeneezer Akinsanmiro are injured, while Dany Mota and Demba Thiam are suspended.
Not exactly ideal before visiting the champions.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Pio Esposito.
He gets the nod alongside Lautaro ahead of Marcus Thuram, which makes him one of the most interesting players on the pitch tonight.
And then there’s Inter’s midfield.
If Barella and Çalhanoğlu get control early, Monza could spend an awful lot of this evening chasing shadows.
This feels very much like a question of how long Monza can keep it uncomfortable.
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: INTER 3–0 MONZA
Inter at home.
Champions.
Monza depleted.
There really shouldn’t be much f#cking about here.
3–0 Inter.
Although Serie A opening weekend probably heard that and immediately started preparing something ridiculous. 😂🍺
Inter? Monza? What are you going for? 👇
📺 17:30 BST | DAZN
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: INTER v MONZA
Serie A is back.
And the champions get to start at home against the newly promoted lot.
Seems fair. 😂🇮🇹
🔵⚫ INTER
Cristian Chivu’s side begin the defence of the title after winning Serie A and the Coppa Italia last season.
Not a bad little campaign.
And there’s plenty familiar about tonight.
Lautaro Martínez starts on his birthday, with Francesco Pio Esposito alongside him up front.
Barella, Çalhanoğlu, Bastoni and Dimarco are all there too, while John Stones starts on the bench.
The one notable absentee is Henrikh Mkhitaryan, who is suspended.
On paper, Inter should have far too much.
But opening nights occasionally enjoy making everyone look stupid.
⚪🔴 MONZA
Welcome back to Serie A.
Your first assignment:
Inter away.
Lovely. 😂
Monza came through the play-offs to return to the top flight and started competitively with a 3–0 Coppa Italia win over Avellino.
Gustavo Varela scored twice in that one and leads the line again tonight.
But they’ve got problems.
Matteo Pessina, Patrick Ciurria, Leonardo Colombo and Ebeneezer Akinsanmiro are injured, while Dany Mota and Demba Thiam are suspended.
Not exactly ideal before visiting the champions.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Pio Esposito.
He gets the nod alongside Lautaro ahead of Marcus Thuram, which makes him one of the most interesting players on the pitch tonight.
And then there’s Inter’s midfield.
If Barella and Çalhanoğlu get control early, Monza could spend an awful lot of this evening chasing shadows.
This feels very much like a question of how long Monza can keep it uncomfortable.
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: INTER 3–0 MONZA
Inter at home.
Champions.
Monza depleted.
There really shouldn’t be much f#cking about here.
3–0 Inter.
Although Serie A opening weekend probably heard that and immediately started preparing something ridiculous. 😂🍺
Inter? Monza? What are you going for? 👇
📺 17:30 BST | DAZN
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: IPSWICH 2–1 SUNDERLAND
FT: IPSWICH 2–1 SUNDERLAND.
We’d love to pretend this happens every week.
Unfortunately, you lot can see the receipts. 😂🍺
ONE FOR THE PREDICTION BOARD. ✅
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: IPSWICH 2–1 SUNDERLAND
FT: IPSWICH 2–1 SUNDERLAND.
We’d love to pretend this happens every week.
Unfortunately, you lot can see the receipts. 😂🍺
ONE FOR THE PREDICTION BOARD. ✅
⚽ MATCH PREVIEW: IPSWICH v SUNDERLAND
One club has just come back up.
The other spent last season making pretty much everybody who predicted their relegation look like a twat. 😂🍺
Ipswich v Sunderland at Portman Road.
And this might be one of the most interesting games of the opening weekend.
🔵 IPSWICH
Back in the Premier League at the first time of asking — but quite a lot has changed since they left.
Kieran McKenna is gone. Gary O’Neil is in.
And Ipswich haven’t exactly returned with the loose change they found behind the sofa.
They’ve rebuilt heavily over the summer because, after collecting only 22 points the last time they were up here, presumably somebody decided “same again” wasn’t much of a fucking strategy.
Julio Enciso, Sasa Lukic, Abdul Fatawu, Daizen Maeda and plenty more have arrived.
Now comes the bit that actually matters:
Can they turn all that spending into a Premier League team?
And Portman Road is probably about as good a place as they could ask to find out.
🔴⚪ SUNDERLAND
What the fuck do you do for an encore after finishing seventh in your first season back?
Because Sunderland weren’t supposed to do that.
They didn’t merely survive — they qualified for the Europa League and became one of the stories of the season.
Now comes the difficult second album.
Everyone knows they’re good.
Nobody will underestimate them.
And European football is about to start eating chunks out of the calendar as well.
The question isn’t whether last season was brilliant.
It was.
The question is whether Régis Le Bris can make it sustainable.
👀 WHAT WE’RE WATCHING
Ipswich have home advantage and a new-look side desperate to prove they belong.
Sunderland have the continuity, experience and confidence of a team that spent last season punching considerably above expectations.
And here’s the bit I really like:
Sunderland now have expectations.
Last year they could play with virtually nothing to lose.
This year people expect them to be good.
Football has a funny habit of making those two things feel very different.
Portman Road will be absolutely bouncing, Ipswich should come flying out, and I fancy the promoted side to nick one of the weekend’s early surprises.
🔮 PINT & POST PREDICTION: IPSWICH 2–1 SUNDERLAND
Sunderland will cause them problems.
But opening day, back in the Premier League, at home, after spending a small country’s GDP rebuilding the squad…
I’m backing Ipswich. 🍺
Tractor Boys? Black Cats?
What are you going for? 👇