Brad

Sponsored by @hooters, writer for @jizzweekly horny for @bruins

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

When I text you 🍑👋👴” it means my dad is spanking me on my bare butt balls and back because I shit my pants at the bar again

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Me: I got lucky lol

Gf: how’d you lucky? You shit yourself and then clogged the toilet

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

I still can’t get over this piece of shit, Grandpa Joe farts around in bed all day and night and then once he sees the golden ticket he looks like me and the boys snizzed up after the bar. Jake Paul needs to kick his ass

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Can you imagine Nancy pelosi finding out that a guy ate the concrete at the bottom of the pool, after 17 beers. They thought was down for the count, but he went to grab some tacos after. These left wing extremist are pissed. Can you imagine being pissed for having a hobby?

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

A.J the Costco guy just added my girlfriend on Snapchat. Fuck

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

It’s crazy like when you drink this vodka shit you get kinda drunk

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Sorry babe can’t talk AJ McCarron is battling on the field in this XFL football game and I have our rent on him scoring on this drive.

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

@TommyOKid Never even thought of that god that’s good

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Idk why this is so funny but imagine getting your first modeling roll and there like alright sit in this wheel chair and pretend to be paralyzed from the waste down for this new T-Shirt line

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Do you ever pee in a urinal at a bar and close yours eyes put your head back and say “damn I wish Tom Brady was still the quarterback of the patriots” idk same

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

My girlfriend giving me the nod for one more captain and coke and then I end up trying to fight the bouncer and get arrested #pasta

[Spittin' Chiclets @spittinchiclets]

Monty gave Pasta the nod to go Tkachuk 😂

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

How you gonna diss the boy when he got a bigger pool than Kanye

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

You got horses running around like maniacs and a bruins Toronto game 7 all on a Saturday?? Just sat on a bud light and called my dad and told him how unbearably gay I am. Let’s get nasty today fellas

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Nahhhhh dude I’m not gay wtf ahahahahaa

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

You ever just drink a bunch of beers and can’t stop peeing, like ya it feels good I love peeing but like fuck man like sometimes it goes too long and where I’m like yo can you just stop bro

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

I can’t seem to find that, ugh can anyone help ?? 😩

[Jake Paul @jakepaul]

look between shut the fuck up on your keyboard

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Ugh sorry guys I jizzed all over the pilot and now our flight is delayed because all of the controls in the cockpit are sticky and gross, I think I need a spanking from the flight attendant…

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Babe fine I’ll watch a rom com, fine we can watch Anybody but you with Sydney Sweeney only cause it’s your birthday

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Sitting at the bar watching PFL telling my girlfriend I could fight professional mixed martial arts and she looks at me and goes “you’re a fun functioning alcoholic who is severely afraid of bees” I proceed to order a Jack and Coke and shadow box until the bouncer kicks me out

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

Have to say I’m pretty upset about Jack Edwards retiring. Shit on Jack all you want but there’s not another announcer that cared as much about there team as him. I mean he’s up there laughing calling opposing guys fat! Fuckin moron and but I love and gonna miss him, Cheers JE

[Brad @PissdrunkBrad]

If you sit down and think about it, do you really have to wipe your ass? Like you’re just gonna shit again like we all know that. But haha imagine everyone at the bar just having stinky asses and it didn’t matter. Haha we’ll never know