I count 5 this time. I’m slowly feeling back numb. Maybe I’ll smoke and go lay down. What the hate be bout ? They say. Yeah. Well I hate everything about me, how I was treated to how I now respond when upset. So yeah. Maybe I hate me too.
Sometimes I think… no one would bat an eye if I were to go… Use someone else… because why have me here to be your therapist amongst many other things. I’m someone too. I just wish people could reciprocate my love. Maybe that’s why my hate is so strong. Fuck.
I had so many dreams. I wanted your typical land for a nice home, ride dirt bikes on my land, have some farm animals. Maybe some kids. Make myself a bunker. The usual. I wanted to test my fears, I did on some. I don’t have a want for anything. I feel like I’m living for others.
Nothing matters until you’re dead. Now you have everyone who would swear on the bible their good people and was always on my side or for me. Never. I see what it is. I was the host. I was sucked dry from any means of wanting to live. Where is my support ? Who do I cry to?
My feelings never mattered. Why would they. I can care and go out my way for anyone at the drop of a dime. Why can’t they do it for me? Why am I always last, always forgotten, always made to wait. Why? I’ve been doing this since I was a kid.