Portia Turner

Improv, writing, books, way too much television.

[Tim Sniffen @MisterSniffen]

I'm hearing a lot of solar eclipse excitement but almost NOTHING about how this is when carnivorous Broadway plants typically arrive on earth

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

@heyheyheyitsktj I miss those times. That was when I used to rule the world.

[Abi Leveille @AbiLeveille]

We all learned things on #ClaimtoFame tonight. Like the true birthplace of Elton John, apparently.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

Mop commercials really overestimate the amount I mop my floors.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

Hey, @HomeDepot! Is this couch really $49.97?!? What a deal!

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

John Hodgman without a mustache is always a jump scare.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

What does @NameThatTune have against Wagon Wheel?

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

“Is that a non-negotiable? To be heard?” Dear god, The Ultimatum is making me happy to be single.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

That moment when you can’t figure out what you know an actor from and then realize it’s that you k ow them in real life.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

If anyone is wondering how I’m doing, I just sang “Danny Devito” to the tune of “Jason Derulo” and then laughed so hard I made myself cry.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

I went to the gym today and did the bare minimum so, obviously, I’m better than everyone else.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

Greg is definitely a Culkin cousin. There some Culkin in there. #thebachelorette

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

I’m watching #thebachelorette for the first time and I have some thoughts: a thread.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

Blake and Hunter are the italic and bold formats of the same font.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

New life goal: I need to become famous IMMEDIATELY so that I can go on Celebrity Dating game and have Michael Bolton write and perform a clue song about me.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

Nothing makes me question the existence of god more than a big stick on its back.

[Portia Turner @PortiaBTurner]

When mermaids get married, do they become mermatrons?