“Siri call my friends”
“No friends found”
“I’m sorry, Siri call my pawns”
“Calling 700 walruses”
“Wait what the fuck Siri that’s not what I said”
“Ooooouuuughhhhfhgfhhh”
DAILY AFFIRMATIONS:
I DID flush the toilet
I AM wearing pants
I did NOT forget my keys
I left my shower curtain AND my closet OPEN so I can see if someone’s there
There are NO cockroaches
I did NOT pee myself
I do NOT have kidney failure
I am NOT having a heart attack or stroke