Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ)

🦋 username everywhere.
⚧♀️ (they/she)

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Hi! This is just your regular reminder that I'm active on several social media platforms; you can find them all here:
https://t.co/k0sptS0hQu

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

I just want to be pretty. But it's too late. Maybe next lifetime 😭😭😭

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Sorry for the sad posts. Wish I could just push a magic button to unalive, delete myself from the timeline, and erase everyone's memories of me. I don't want to be alive anymore. Not like this. Not with this face and this body. I can't. I'm sorry.

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Estrogen is one hell of a drug — but it didn't work on me 😞

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Maybe this is how my story ends. No new chapter. No more story left to tell.

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

My expectations for what HRT could achieve for me were always very low. I knew that I'd likely need surgeries to do the heavy lifting. Even so, I'd secretly hoped that I'd get results comparable to those I saw on social media. My disappointment has been crushing. 😞

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

The worst is that I think I have "chaser face". IYKYK. How horrible.
2/2

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

I hope you weren't too disappointed or scared-off by my selfies.
1/2

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

These are my feet. I was born with a club foot. I can walk (with a limp) but the many surgeries to correct my deformity stunted the growth of my right foot and leg. I can't find nice shoes in a EU48/UK12/US15 and my tendons are too short to wear heels. No stilettos for me ☹️

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

This is my body after more than 2 years on HRT. I can't stand straight 'cos my right leg is 3.5cm (1⅓ inch) shorter than my left. I have no waist and no hips, and I have a hunched back from bad posture and sitting in front of a computer screen for years.

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

You should see my Kubrick Stare; I look like Killer BOB or Vigo the Carpathian. 😔
2/2

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Face reveal. This is my face now, after 2 years, 2 months and 25 days of HRT. No makeup or filters. Neutral facial expression. No spectacles. I see an old, ugly, worn-out, broken man, kinda scary-looking. 😞
1/2

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Last time I posted selfies, they were 2 and a half years old, and taken before I started HRT. Some people said I'm pretty. But I feel ugly and mannish.

I'm considering posting no-makeup selfies so you can see what I see, but I fear you will be disappointed and unfollow me then.

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Of course I'm data sciencing the the sh!t out of my test results. I can't count on my prescribing doctor to check on how I'm doing — they've never even asked to see my test results.

(Incidentally, if anyone wants the Python script I used for the data viz, hit me up.)
3/3

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Some people suggested that my doctor might be underdosing me. Here's a complete history of my levels since I started HRT. I do DIY in addition to what my doctor prescribes me, so I'm not constrained by my prescription.

Complete list of what I'm taking in next post ⤵️
1/3

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Here's what I'm currently taking:

Weekly:
15mg estradiol enantate (EEn) subQ

Daily:
50mg bicalutamide
200mg progesterone (rectal)
5mg finasteride
30mg citalopram
150μg levothyroxine (for hypothyroidism)
114mg Fe
20mg Zn
100μg Se
10mg folic acid
900μg biotin (B7)
100μg B12
2/3

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

I came out as trans on Twitter a little over 3 years ago. I have rarely posted selfies anywhere. When I have, they have always been carefully curated, I'm wearing a full face of makeup, and the lighting is good. None of you knows what I really look like. I hate what I see.
3/3

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

I know that I'll never be pretty. Folks have seen a few carefully curated selfies and told me I'm pretty, but they don't know what I see in the mirror every single day. That sinking feeling when I see myself is awful. I feel like my heart is bleeding from a gaping wound. 💔
1/3

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I see other girls who started transitioning around the same time as me, and they're so pretty. I see myself, and I ask, "why not me too?" It feels so unfair. I feel cursed. I cry myself to sleep every night. It hurts so much.
2/3

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Maybe I'm just annoying and unlikeable? Maybe most of my followers have me muted?

[Andi 🏳️‍⚧️ (on 🦋🧵🦣ⓣ) @PropertyOfMyCat]

Very few people noticed when I disappeared. Perhaps I come across as parasocial, but I honestly care about the people that I interact with. But I think that to most people here, I'm just words on a screen. I don't matter, and if I unalived, few would even notice I'd gone.