Puritan Thoughts

Puritanical commentary for the modern era

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

what’s a popular symbol on merchandise for The Ohio State University? the block O

what color is the block O? scarlet.

who wears scarlet letters? sinners.

therefore, all those associated with OSU are sinners

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

This is BASICALLY what happened...

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

hey all you devout lads and ladies, it’s the Puritans from Wayward Sinner Rescue! we just wanted to give you an update on that witch from a fortnight ago, she’s still in the stocks and being stoned!

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

just because we are quarantined does NOT mean sinners are safe from persecution!!! I will be dropping a zoom link for an online mob soon

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

Sins out ankles out

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

This is the only acceptable homecoming dance 😤😤😤

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

No...

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

Two things I hate!!! *ex 😷😷😷!!! and *ursing 🤮🤮🤮!!!

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

In accorandance with a whiteboard lease agreement, here is a promotional tweet for a book! Please buy it so you can follow along with the incoming FULL PURTIAN ANNOTATIONS where I will identify every sin on the pages

https://t.co/xRnUGg0lvY

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

“why did you start the Puritan Thoughts of the Day?”

[Lady Gaga @ladygaga]

I didn’t do this for fame, I did it for impact.

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

“God makes us sweat so the sin has a vessel to leave our souls through our pours” -the bible

therefore, only witches don’t sweat so they are mocking us when they lack armpit stains and that’s a solid reason to condemn them to a stoning

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

SO glad it wasn’t this heinous crime of a show! 🤮🤮🤮🔥🧙‍♀️🔥

[Rotten Tomatoes 🍅 @RottenTomatoes]

#StrangerThings was voted our audience's favorite Netflix series across all age groups: https://t.co/xVfrqbVPc0

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

I did NOT just take a DNA test because modern day science is witchcraft and it worships the ideas of false idols!!!!!

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

@BradenEvanz

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

full moon AND friday the 13th? witches will definitely lurking the streets tonight so keep your torches and pitchforks close by incase a mob needs to be assembled

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

✨puritan life hack✨

if you think someone might be a witch, bind their hands and feet together and throw them in a lake

if they float, they’re a witch and need to be exterminated

if they sink, they were not a witch

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

it is a SIN to like the tweet and not follow the account like the Lord™️ would NEVER do such a thing

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

when you forget to have your house blessed by your local Reverend so it becomes possessed by a demonic rabbit 🤪🤪🤪

[Puritan Thoughts @PuritanTOTD]

what if you accidentally exposed yourself as witch and I gathered a mob to burn you at the stake😳😳?? haha jk.....unless...🔥🔥🔥