Breaking News: The Archdiocese of San Francisco has agreed to pay $395 million to survivors of clergy sexual abuse, victims’ lawyers said. https://t.co/VbvCYYzkDZ
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 53 YEARS, THE KNICKS ARE NBA CHAMPIONS 🏆
New York defeats San Antonio 4-1 in the NBA Finals, capturing their third championship in franchise history!
NFL REDZONE JUST HAD ITS FIRST COMMERCIAL (TERRIBLE. SO DISTRACTING!!!) I AM VERY SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING BANNING THEM FOREVER. TRUMP LET THIS HAPPEN. TOTAL DISASTER!! I, AMERICA’S FAVORITE GOVERNOR, GAVIN C. NEWSOM (MANY SAY “THE FIXER”), WILL CLEAN IT UP. ESPN, A GREAT AMERICAN COMPANY, STOP THE COMMERCIALS! THANK YOU!!! — GCN
In light of the underwhelming field, I am announcing my run for mayor of New York. My policy agenda has three planks:
1) Abolish all height, density and use requirements on Manhattan real estate.
2) If you make loud, pointless revving noises with your motorcycle, NYPD will seize your motorcycle and crush it into a tiny cube.
3) Pret is legally obligated to bring back the balsamic chicken avocado sandwich.
I hope I can count on your vote!