RJ Shealy

Parody account

[Norm Macdonald @normmacdonald]

It's morally wrong for me to do stand-up and cause strangers to possibly become sick. And now, with this virus, it seems even more wrong. I'm postponing my next two gigs, but am hopeful a vaccine comes that protects us all from Tom Hanks Disease (THD).

[RJ Shealy @RJShealy]

oops

[RJ Shealy @RJShealy]

@thehill Look, I'm just happy for the rare opportunity to hear what's on the president's mind

[RJ Shealy @RJShealy]

@YESNetwork he'd deserve it just for playing at 90

[Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus]

oof just did that thing where you agree to marry someone but he was proposing to the lady behind you

[Brandy Jensen @BrandyLJensen]

“hey wouldn’t it be funny if you gave me another breakfast, like as a gag”

[Jess Dweck @TheDweck]

This is the news photo that would make a returning time traveler realize they fucked something up

[Mark Hamill @MarkHamill]

Not all the way through.

[RJ Shealy @RJShealy]

@thehill I can sympathize with Acosta. I got barred from Chili's once because I was drunk and decided to see how many coasters I could fit in my mouth. (The answer was none.)

[Cut4 @Cut4]

The internet is too quick.

[George Wallace @MrGeorgeWallace]

I'll straight up eat a club sandwich at a cottage and cottage cheese at the club I really don't give a shit anymore.

[Stephen L. Miller @redsteeze]

*Cellphone EMS alert goes off at 4:30am

******WHY WONT JEFF SESSIONS INVESTIGATE THE LEAKERS. NO ONE DIED IN PUERTO RICO. WITCH HUNT*******

[RJ Shealy @RJShealy]

@VanityFair @PeterHamby a lot of them - Mars, Jupiter, Venus, Neptune, Saturn, Uranus, Mercury

[andrew @AndrewChamings]

wife: [watching the news] some idiot tried to fight a squid at the aquarium

me: [covered in ink] maybe the squid was being a dick

[RJ Shealy @RJShealy]

@MikeOnARoadBike @RSQViper @kellywilkins @conservmillen Ewww.
Cobb salad is disgusting

[Sarah Lazarus @sarahclazarus]

I finally watched I, Tonya and got so fucking mad allison janney didn’t win the oscar and then I found out she did win the oscar. who knows where this ride ends! probably right here

[Todd 'Papi' Carlos @TheToddWilliams]

DOC: We got your blood tests back

ME: Is it small pox like I thought?

DOC: No, it's even worse

ME: What could be worse than small pox?

DOC: Big pox

ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture https://t.co/GXC1P265Y3

[The Onion @TheOnion]

Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976 https://t.co/pH5art3CB6