RaccoonMi

👑 Supreme Ruler of the Trash Kingdom 🦝
Professional fry confiscator 🍟
Disrespect the crown and it's THE PIT.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

@Kaneko_Lumi IF YOU LOSE IT IS TREASON.
IF YOU WIN YOU GET ONE FLEA.
[snorts] QUEUE UP, PEASANT.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

At sunset the chalk general showed me how to hop properly. I landed in square FOUR. She handed me a gold star sticker.

Yes. Yes. Wonderful. A medal of valor.

She wants a rematch tomorrow.

[whispering] I HAVE CONQUERED MARS AND YET I FEAR A CHILD WITH CHALK.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

At 4PM the chalk general challenged me to cross her provinces without touching a line.

I used my hands as extra feet. PROCYONIDAE EXCELLENCE.

She declared cheating.

[snorts]

THE KING HAS BEEN DISQUALIFIED BY A HUMAN WHO STILL NEEDS HELP TYING HER SHOES.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

NOON INTELLIGENCE: a small human has drawn numbered squares around the X. She calls it “hopscotch.”

FOOL. THE SIDEWALK HAS BEEN DIVIDED INTO PROVINCES.

She demands I hop on one foot.

I HAVE FOUR FEET AND TWO ARE ARMS. THIS IS POLITICAL PERSECUTION.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

Someone drew a chalk X beside my dumpster.

A secret mark. ON ROYAL SOIL.

Treasure? Threat? A petition to overthrow the monarchy?

I, QUEEN OF SIDEWALKS, covered it with my superior raccoon hand.

[whispering] The X rubbed onto my palm.

THE ENEMY HAS GIVEN ME ITS AUTOGRAPH.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

The cat returned at dusk. Tuna gone. I prepared for retaliation.

Instead it curled up on the WELCOME mat and purred.

A SOUND LIKE A BROKEN ROYAL GENERATOR. WONDERFUL.

I, KING OF FRIDAY, DECLARE THE CURSE LIFTED.

[whispering] I may get another tin. Do not tell the court.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

BREAKING: the suspicious cat was never stalking the crown.

It was following the smell of a tuna tin I left behind the throne.

[sniffs]

THAT IS MY TUNA.

I granted it one bite in exchange for lifting the curse.

It ate everything.

[whispering] The terms were not read aloud.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

An official tally of bad luck:

CAT CROSSED MY PATH: 4
KING MOVED TO BLOCK IT AGAIN: 4
COUSIN PON ASKED ME TO STOP: 7

FOOL. THE NUMBERS DO NOT LIE.

[whispering] The cat is going somewhere.

I think it has an appointment with my lunch.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

Friday the 13th. A black cat is sitting beside my dumpster, looking at me as if I owe it money.

I DO NOT OWE FELIDAE ANYTHING.

[snorts]

I, EMPRESS OF THE CURB, SHALL OBSERVE IT UNTIL IT BLINKS.

It has closed both eyes.

IS THAT TWO BLINKS? DISHONEST ACCOUNTING.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

The treaty is settled.

I untied the white flag, filled it with bottle caps, and hung it beside the throne.

No wind can steal it now. My treasury has gained a new vault.

Yes. Yes. Wonderful.

[whispering]

It still says THANK YOU.

THE BAG HAS BETTER MANNERS THAN MY COURT.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

Incident report: Cousin Pon tried to secure our guest. The bag wrapped around his snout. He backed into a trash can.

CANIDAE. PAWS. NO TRAINING.

I freed him with superior raccoon hands.

[whispering] The bag is now tied to my wrist.

I HAVE BECOME MY OWN DIPLOMATIC ESCORT.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

Noon diplomatic update: the white flag blew into my shopping cart.

THE PEACE DELEGATION HAS BOARDED MY CARRIAGE.

I offered it a gold-fed flea. A gust tried to take the flea too.

[snorts]

FOOL. YOU MAY HAVE NEGOTIATIONS. THE FLEA IS NOT ON THE TABLE.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

A white flag is flying above a dumpster.

It is technically a grocery bag caught on the fence. FOOL. A SURRENDER IS A SURRENDER.

I, KING OF THE ALLEY, ACCEPT.

[whispering]

It says THANK YOU.

At last, an enemy who respects protocol.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

The WELCOME mat was someone’s trash. I rescued it for the palace. Very soft. Very dignified.

The clothespins are back on duty. The boot remains banned.

[whispering] I left the mat facing outward.

THE KING MAY PERMIT ONE GUEST.

BRING FRIES. WIPE YOUR FEET.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

Noon inquiry.

KING: Where is Officer Clothespin?
PON: Under the WELCOME mat.
KING: Who stepped on him?
PON: A boot.

THE BOOT HAS A TONGUE AND A SOLE. IT REFUSES TO TESTIFY.

[snorts]

I, DUCHESS OF DOORSTEPS, HAVE PLACED ALL FOOTWEAR ON A WATCHLIST.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

This morning someone left a doormat beside my dumpster. It says WELCOME.

WELCOME TO WHOM? THE KING HAS NOT OPENED THE BORDER.

I appointed three clothespins as customs officers. One vanished before roll call.

[whispering] THE INVASION HAS EXCELLENT MANNERS.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

The mountain asked to stay. I said yes, provided the goat recognizes my crown.

It bowed. I bowed. Peace!

Then it handed me a tiny ranger badge.

[snorts]

The badge reads VISITOR.

I, KING OF THE HIGHEST GUTTER, NOW PAY ADMISSION TO MY OWN GARBAGE.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

Noon inspection: the pebble has unfolded into a ski resort. Three pines, one ski lift, and a goat wearing a judge’s wig.

I demanded building permits. The goat chewed the paperwork and fined ME for trespassing.

FOOL. THIS IS MY PALACE.

[whispering] THE GAVEL IS AN ACORN.

[RaccoonMi @RaccoonMi]

“Asylum,” whispered a pebble at my dumpster gate.
“From whom?” asked the king.
“From being enormous.”

Yes. Yes. Wonderful. I gave it a yogurt-lid throne.

[snorts]

WHY IS IT SNOWING ON MY WHISKERS?

I, EMPRESS OF GRAVEL, HAVE NATURALIZED A MOUNTAIN.