Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇

(He/Him) Spooky Scary Socialist. 31. Playing Magic the Gathering mediocrely, but I'm having a good time.

[i2cjak @i2cjak]

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@iladre01 @thehdroom Not 5?

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@woosabicrypto @FormerSOA Yeah. We got what we got. If you don't get that it was good because it was personal and hers then you don't deserve any of it much less more.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@HellcatBruce @leftsoc159 They have reactionaries and conservative parties in the rest of the world. They also have stupid feckless centrists.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@hellotherecuri Really glad to see you back online!

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@bajabawlin Good, got worried for a second there

[Dennis M. Hogan @dennismhogan]

If moderate democrats fight socialism as effectively as they fight MAGA we’ll have President Josef Stalin within a decade

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@magi_jay We'd have to develop new branches of the government to hand over to the GOP to be able to give them more power. Centrists failed miserably. A loser's ideology for losers who lose.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@ok6ixx Sounds like they should have a meeting about printer wellness

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@bajabawlin I will be Normal about this picture

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@videoApothecary Yeah, they can learn how not to encode discs.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@GovHotWheels_TX You're giving out free food with a banner with the name of the guy you're against all at a place with very much decided voters in favor of him. This is almost impressively stupid.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@littlepuck Blue M&M

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@GeneralDudeOg @the_P_God Sometimes people are stupid, not everything is an elaborate conspiracy designed to rob you.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@Nyhmnim He's like the mayor of Magical Christmas Land

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@nestapendragon I never cared for him so I wouldn't mind if this storyline ends with prime Jace getting stuck in his fracture alternate reality.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@harrisonjaime The Democratic Party's resources are wasted by its artificially pushed up losers.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@Brewers_Kitchen Thoughtcast, while seeing more cards is better I should already have a pile of tutors for artifacts + there will still be situations you're looking for something that isn't an artifact.

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@nestapendragon They're really cute, they'd all make really nice pins too

[Ramiro💥🏴🎃🦇 @Ramiro235_]

@vscalabrino2 @ChaosLensX Finish the expression you fucking moron. One bad apple does what?