Random Dadisms

I'm an overgrown kid in my forties with three crazy little boys (14, 13, & 10) and a very patient (and tired) wife.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

*watching marble runs on YouTube*

7yo: Gravity is what makes marble runs possible.

Me: You’re right.

7yo: Yeah, because without gravity everything would be floating around and people would be too freaked out to build marble runs!
#logic

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

4yo: I wanna shower!

Me: Alright, but you’ll need to go get a clean towel first

4yo: Okay!

…I guess he’s planning on being in there for a while

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

Me: You need to get dressed for school

7yo: No

Me: Get dressed now or I’ll sing to you

7yo: I don’t wanna get dressed

Me: ♫ DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA!! ♫

7yo: Argh… make it stop!

Me: ♫ THE TRUTH IS I NEVER LEFT YOU!! ♫

7yo: Okay, Okay… I’m getting dressed.
#DadWin

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

Me: Ugh… gross, you got sick everywhere.

7yo: No I didn’t. This was already here.

Me: I’d have remember your room covered in puke. You must’ve slept through it.

7yo: No I didn’t. I’m not sick.

Me: So how do you explain this mess?

7yo: It was the Vomit Fairy?

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

Me: You’re weird.

8yo: I’m not weird, you’re weird.

Me: But it’s June.

4yo: Mickey!, Mickey!

7yo: Menu button, scroll down two columns, click right three times.

Me: I know how to find it, you guys are weird.

8yo: Are not, hit “play”

Me: *starts Disney Christmas Special*

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

7yo: Hey Dad, watch’ya watching?

Me: Streamers playing Fortnite.

7yo: I don’t like that game.

Me: Why don’t you like it. Is it beacause of the violence?

7yo: No, it’s the unrealistic construction techniques and excessive building code violations.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

7yo: Arghh!… Dad, don’t bonk me on the head with a frying pan!!

Me: I’m just teasing, I’d never bonk you with a frying pan. It might dent the pan and your Mom would kill me.

7yo: Okay.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

We’re having a Disney kind of morning…

8yo is only wearing pants
7yo is only wearing a shirt
4yo is dressed, and very goofy

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

8yo: Dad, you’re so weird

7yo: He’s not weird, he’s Dad

8yo: He’s a weird Dad

7yo: …but that’s normal for him.

8yo: Okay. Dad, you’re normal… but you’re so weird for other people.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

I’ve finally discovered my childrens’ heretofore undiscovered hidden talent: Using their constant gibberish for random password generation!

I still have no idea what they’re trying to say, but at least all my online accounts are secure.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

My 7 year old likes inventing new super heroes, his latest is ���Baby Grown-Up”.

He has the power to turn into either an adult the size of a new born baby, or a baby that’s the size of a grown man.

Thanos better watch out.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

If there is ever a Parental Olympics I’m sure to win gold in the “Running Butt Change” competition.

Scores based on speed of kid, decibel of his screaming, and the size of the horror show going on in the diaper.
#boys #pottytraining

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

Me: What pants do you want to wear?

3yo: REAL pants!

Me: Okay, what kind of “real” pants?

3yo: Not imaginary pants!

Me: We’ve established that, anything else?

3yo: No invisible pants, and they can’t be on fire.

Yep, it’s official. All my kids are as weird as me.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

I swear I’m raising lawyers.

“Put it on” is too vague. When I tell the boys to get dressed I now have to specify “Not on your head, not on your brothers head... Put YOUR feet IN YOUR socks, put YOUR sock covered feet IN YOUR shoes, in that order... do not change the order!”

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

Me: That’s not how you play the game, you have to toss the bean bag.

3yo: Okay… *Throws bean bag at his brother’s head*
#boys

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

3yo *sitting on my lap*: No Daddy, you can’t move!

Me: Why can’t I move? Am I just a pillow for you?

3yo: No… Daddy, you’re a mattress AND a pillow.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

My kids keep breaking the arms off one of my nutcrackers.

Instead of repairing it again I discovered it was easier to just give him a friend…

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

6yo: I can tell the Nutcracker is pretend because the mice and the toy soldiers using fake swords.

Me: Yep, that’s a dead giveaway.

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

No help me! I can put on my coat by myself!
#BigBoy

[Random Dadisms @RandomDadisms]

7yo: Lets have a contest of who can count to ten fastest.

6yo: Okay

7yo: 1,2,3,4,5,6
6yo: 10! I win!!

7yo: what?
6yo: I counted by 10s