Randy Quaid

Ahhh, Rock n' Roll. Remember when I was a roadie for Dire Straights? Me neither!

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

If I ever made you laugh, please help me pay my bail bondsman back. Any amount is appreciated. His PayPal email is: [email protected]

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

I'll mushroom stamp your tramp stamp!

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

@WarBirdMechx3 - Nope, just a minor medical procedure that had me layed up for a few days.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

I think it's OK to fart, especially if you're showing off or attempting to light the expulsion accordingly...or both.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

When in doubt, I #WhipItOut, got me a rock n' roll band, it's a Free For All!

[Thunder Buddy Ted @WhatTedSaid]

I'm a hit... this bong!

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

Nothing as #aggravating as a skeeter bite on the ol' taint.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

I let Evi vent a little this morning over coffee, then after a few minutes I said "Sorry, I wasn't listening, hunny." #HOWTOFRUSTRATEAWOMAN

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

Sometimes, junkies don't try to hide their sexual deviance because earning enough $ for that smack is all that matters. #WhatReallyTurnsMeOn

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

Bill, or who we believed to be him actually turned out to be a woman in suburban Detroit named Dorothy. #FuckedUp!!! @drewquinn2 @Outcast71

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

You never would've made it to trial in Texas, Sandusky!

[Buster Olney @Buster_ESPN]

Somewhere, Tom Kelly is smiling: Right fielder Michael Cuddyer tagged out a runner in a rundown, after rushing in and getting involved.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

@RoyARobson - most Canadian thing I've ever heard said is "Don't get a burr up yer butt, eh!" As me & the wife walked past 2 men last year.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

Put your pussy tip in my dick.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

I'm thinking about doing some manscaping near my erogenous zones. Then, a dive or twelve down the neighbor's Slip & Slide. #officiallysummer

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

For those asking about @Bill_Murray or whoever he is...I let him help me set up my account thinking it was really him. I've also been duped!

[Carl Sveinson @snobawlz]

@RandyRQuaid thankfully, there is nothing mature about Randy's tweets!

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

Glad to hear the news about one of my favorite all time athletes and fellow Houstonite, Mr. Roger Clemens.

[Randy Quaid @RandyRQuaid]

I'm guaranteed to make you sweat!

[Conan O'Brien @ConanOBrien]

Just saw Luke Skywalker take Darth Vader to The Sizzler for Father's Day. They seemed tense.