Raoul Canoli

Raoul Canoli has a long preoccupation with science, stand-up comedy, pulp fiction and other more lurid pastimes to remain nameless.

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#ThoughtsOver50: When #LIfeGivesMeLemons, I put them in a tube sock and use them to pummel the next person that tells me, "When Life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#Peppermint minireview: #JenniferGarner doesn't deserve the award for Most Badass Female Action Star. She deserves the award for Most Badass Action Star, PERIOD. She makes Mark Wahlberg in Mile 22 look like Barney Fife. Garner should be the new #JamesBond

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

Poetic Justice ain't just a Janet Jackson movie: Bartlesville Man Accidentally Burns Home Down After Lighting Nike Shoes On Fire In Protest Of Nike’s https://t.co/qwMae6LDNS

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#DerGropenfuhrerHasSpoken: I'm happy to campaign for #TedCruz! #LyingTed isn't such a bad guy! He'll even let me grab his wife by the pussy. Is his dad, #RafaelCruz, gets convicted of killing #JFK while I'm #POTUS I'll pardon him just to mess with the #Democrats & #FakeNewsMedia

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#DerGropenfuhrerHasSpoken: So what if I didn't get invited to the #McCainFuneral & everybody else did! I didn't even want to go. Plus, on the bright side, the #WhiteHouse is so deserted today, I've been walking around the #WestWing stark naked for 3 hours in complete privacy!

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#ThoughtsOver50: These #ElectricScooters are just what #America needs! Less exercise & physical activity! More untrained, unlicensed, uncertified, uninsured drivers of two-wheeled vehicles on the street with no helmets, pads, or protective gear! I LOVE IT!

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

What this pastor seems to ignore is that by his reasoning God also raised up King Herod, Pontius Pilate, Caesar, and other wicked rulers throughout history. So, maybe He does it to see if YOU will do the right thing, even if it's unpopular and oppose them. https://t.co/1Mz4rKW4jb

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

Reason #17 Why the Drinking Age of 21 is Too Low: A couple of young girls (look under 30) just came into the karaoke bar & ordered a shot of Jameson with a pickleback. NO! NO! NO! If you're chasing a shot with pickle juice you ask for well liquor, NOT a good liquor! AMATEURS!

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#HappytimeMurders minireview: It may not be the raunchy adult puppet/schmuppet movie we deserve, but it's the one we need. And I'll never be able to look at Silly String the same way again.

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#Mile22 minireview: Man, there was a lot of shooting. It was exhausting to watch. It just went on and on and on and on. I kept wondering, "WHEN are they gonna run out of ammo?" There was almost too much shooting. Almost.

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#DerGropenfuhrerHasSpoken: #SpaceForce is just the start! Remember #Timecop? I'm going to create a #TimeForce to protect our #MAGA timeline & eliminate timelines where America blows foreign cock until it blows its load down the throat of our #NationalSovereignty or I go to prison

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#BadPickupLines: I call my dick #DeepwaterHorizon because I'll drill as deep as I can until my junk explodes in a catastrophic mess that you'll have to shame me into cleaning up.

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#DerGropenfuhrerHasSpoken: #Liberal Critics, all of them #Democrats, complain that the #FederalGovernment spends millions each time I go to a #TrumpRally just to massage my ego. But it's not the massage that costs America so much, it's the #HappyEnding! https://t.co/E9NqZ0W4eu

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#BadPickUpLines: Hey, baby girl! Did you sit on a deep dish pizza? Because you sure got a PHAT ass!

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#WhyIJoinedTwitter? The same reason I learned to play guitar and became a whiskey connoisseur: To impress the girls. Well, that, and to fill the dark, swirling void of emptiness at the center of my soul. But, mostly to impress the girls. I know, that's cRaZy, right?

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#DerGropenfuhrerHasSpoken: #CollusionIsNotaCrime! Neither is #BeingAnAsshole, #CountingCards at a casino, using a #RadarDetector, using the #ExpressCheckoutLaneWithaFullCart, #Stupidity, #BeingWrong, or #BeingInABromanceWithVladimirPutin

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

The #CityofAustin should change its name from #Austin (honoring #slaveowner #StephenFAustin) to Austin in honor of #AustinPowers! #YeahBaby! #KeepAustinWeird! #OhBehave! https://t.co/EWoZJQRV4Y

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

Question for the #Internet #HiveMind: Is Leprosy a #SexuallyTransmittedDisease? #AskingForAFriend #ItsProbablyJustARash

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

Sure, I've sent lots #DickPics in my time. But in my defense:
1) They're NEVER pics of my dick.
2) They're ALWAYS in a jar of formaldehyde.
3) They're ONLY sent to medical professionals to ask for their clinical opinion.

[Raoul Canoli @RaoulCanoli]

#DerGropenfuhrerHasSpoken: That #MichaelCohen recording is #FakeNews! That's not even my voice! I bet that's #KevinPollak & #FrankCaliendo on that tape! Couple of #Liberal #Democrat #Traitors! No way that's me! Just listen! https://t.co/xqHRLqtKMn