Taylor Fitzgerald

I identify as retarded

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

How can we have 1000 cooking shows AND world hunger?

#EdibleUndies #Quag #WorldHunger

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

A wheelbarrow is a Mexican rickshaw.

#LatinLexus #Innovation #NoRapido

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

I don’t like talking on the phone, so I got a job as a telemarketer.

#DontSpeak #WorkSmart #HangUp

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

I can hold my breath for the rest of my life.

#proveit #takemybreathaway #ender

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

People who work at food trucks have a lot of drive.

#eatingout #glutton #tonyrobbins

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

They need to put mirrors in self-checkout.

#narcissist #halfoff #clearance

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

A strong odor makes up for a weak bladder.

#unity #strength #dirtylaundry

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

Whipped cream is just cream post marriage.

#alphacoochie #dairy #whipped

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

You ever forget to go to bed?

#lost #confused #overused

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

A Mexican swing is an umbilical cord.

#joke #comedy #muchofrijoles

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

Not answering phones may be my calling.

#joke #comedy #potentialspam

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

If you didn’t see where it came from, never accept money from a nudist.

#joke #comedy #dirtymoney

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

“I was just kidding” is not an acceptable excuse for pedophilia.

#joke #comedy #neverneverland

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

I don’t like to say White Privilege. I prefer Racial Envy.

#joke #comedy #America

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

I’m not religious or anything, but when I sit between two women having their period, I am Moses parting the Red Sea.

#joke #comedy #ChristianMingle

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

@grottescogaya Dogs also let anyone touch them, chase pussy, and don’t ask for consent when they dry hump you.

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

@DemetriMartin Lil QT

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

You’re gonna be very disappointed if you’re looking forward to having Alzheimer’s.

#joke #comedy #forgetaboutit

[Taylor Fitzgerald @RascalGraves]

Wine is named after what it does to women when they’ve had too much. #joke #comedy #headcheese