Corey Garff

My name is Corey. I am real. My flow fluctuates between surfability and seemingly self-aware.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

That one time my university posted a picture of me to celebrate #InternationalWomensDay

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

If I were a homosexual boomer comic, I’d refer to my partner as “the old balls and chain.”

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

Penn Jillette and Miles Teller

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

After visiting Salem, MA over the weekend, I can confidently say that the Salem Witch Trials were the natural consequence of the formation of the first HOA in these United States.

[Dropout @dropout]

It's Dropout's 6 year anniversary! 🥳 🎉

To celebrate, we've finally made a trailer explaining what Dropout's whole deal is!

Got a friend or relative you want to explain Dropout to, but need some audio-visual aids? This should cover you.

#Dropout

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

It could be my favorite song of all time, but if you play it on a speaker in the subway, it will automatically be the worst.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

How can there be a Top Golf without a Bottom Golf? Something isn’t adding up…

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

I asked Walt if, there was an emergency, would he be able to land a plane. Without a single bit of hesitation he said “Absolutely.” He’s just the man. #Walt #Dads

[ellie schnitt @holy_schnitt]

well many of us have never had a day of peace in our lives and our brains have been singing ‘werewolf bar mitzvah spooky scary boys becoming men, men becoming wolves’ since 2007

[Sera Koulabdara @SeraKoulabdara]

YES

[Justin Whang 🐙 @JustinWhang]

If I had Mr Beast’s money, I wouldn’t help anybody. I would build a floating lab on international waters and hire scientists to invent weird, horrifying new animals.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

@MrSmithInDC I, too, love The Postal Service. I wish Ben Gibbard made some more albums under the moniker. https://t.co/EFaudFk0Qq

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

To be fair to Kanye, showing up to a physical office with your resume is the advice that any out of touch college professor would give you.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

The Little Mermaid, but instead of Ariel being a mermaid, she has a gluten intolerance.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

@MrSmithInDC It could only have been Cameron.

[Tig Notaro @TigNotaro]

My therapist told me that anxiety and excitement are physically the same and when I feel anxious about something that I should pretend that I am excited. This morning I tried it and thought "I am so excited that everybody hates me"

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

Somebody just called me a “data wizard” in a work call today.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

@YaBoyKA It’s just Shrek. Like Madonna or Cher.

[Corey Garff @RealCoreyGarff]

Very disappointed to see that marionettes of Tony Hawk absolutely shredding are not allowed on SLC public transit