Danny OToole

Comedian, Dad, and really nice.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

@punishablepress 😡

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

Putin picked the wrong country to invade and murder and steal. He should have gone to Iraqi and he’d be a legend.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

A mate rang me and said “can you talk” I said yeah; since I was two”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

My mate said to me he was approaching 60, I said “ya better slow down we’re in a school zone”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

I went to the Red Cross Shop today, but they said they’d sold out, so I bought a green one.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

90% of the time there is no need for a full stop a question mark or comma what do you think

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

I asked my cannibal mate what do vegans taste like? He said “carrots”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

My drug is gorgeous women; next week I’ll be celebrating 25 years of sobriety.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

How times have changed; 10yrs ago my missus walked out on me. These days she’d have got an Uber.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

I had a massive row with my girlfriend and she said “you’ve got a small dick” I said “that’s a bit below the belt”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

My mate became vegan and ended up in hospital very ill on life support. The doctors side he’ll likely end up a vegetable 😜
#vegan

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

I told my uncle he should look after his teeth, he said “I do, I lock them up in the safe every night”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

I had to take my neighbour to court, he wasn’t very appreciative, I thought “stuff him, next time he can get an Uber”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

I’ve selling my crutches for $50, but if you’re a bit short I can take up to 50% off.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

Donald Trump has advised NSW premier Gladys Berejiklian to build a Victorian border wall and he’ll get the Mexicans to pay for it.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

Getting on the television years ago was easy, but these flat ones you need tremendous balance.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

The security guard at the bank said to me “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t come in without a mask” I said “fuck you, last time you told me I couldn’t come I because I had a mask”

To be fair the last time I had a sawn off as well.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

My earliest memory of my childhood , was my mum asking me at 4rs old, why did the chicken cross the road? With tears rolling down my eyes, I said “Patrick left the gate open”

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

So happy the pubs are opened. It made it a lot more difficult robbing their ATMS when they were closed.

[Danny OToole @RealDannyOToole]

My mate used to supply ice to the pubs and clubs, but if they don’t open soon he’ll be forced to liquidate.