Dustin Sims

Best selling children’s book author

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

People assume I'm an asshole based off the shit I post, but if you'd just take the time to get to know me I'd remove all doubt.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Waffle House wedding. Hash brown ring. Divorced by sunrise. SCATTERED SMASH.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Someone told me I should “work on myself.” Bitch I’ve BEEN working on myself. This IS the improved version. Imagine how bad it was before. You should be GRATEFUL

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Told my landlord I couldn’t pay rent because I got scammed. He asked by who. I said “myself, I spent it on scratch-offs.” He didn’t renew my lease. Honestly fair.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

@JasonIsbell Well, this is one way to garner the attention you’re so bitterly lacking.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

@BarryIsFunny @RealDustinSims_ @BarryOnDeck Hahahaha Fucking ISIS

[Barry Laminack @BarryIsFunny]

My interview with @RealDustinSims is up on the @BarryOnDeck YouTube channel if you missed it.
It's a goodun, go watch it:

https://t.co/2EjGNKpA6N

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

@fliparrach1 @BarryIsFunny @BarryOnDeck Thank you sir! Glad he had me on. Was a lot of fun!

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

@mrbell72 @BarryOnDeck I appreciate y’all 🙏

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

These gas prices even got Tom Brady going back to work

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Parent hack: play hide and seek with the kids but never go look.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

NFTs are just digital Beanie Babies

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Remember to sleep with no underwear so the Turkey God will stuff you tonight

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

I almost ran over a guy in Lowe’s parking lot. He yelled at me to stop. I rolled my window down and he said “You owe me an apology!” I said “ For what?” Like I didn’t almost yeet him into orbit lol. He said “You almost hit me!” I said “You’re right, I’m sorry. Next time I will.”

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Me: I feel like I’m getting fat

My daughter: Just in your hips and belly

Me: Oh ok. Thank God it’s just the unappealing parts.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Delta-8 is Suboxone for pot heads

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Cumming to save the day!

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

My son thought he’d flex on me with a “new” dance he learned called the Macarena. Hit two mailboxes and almost crashed into a ditch but I still got it 😤

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

If you see me up at 5am don’t get the wrong idea. I have insomnia. Not motivation.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

Almost brake checked a guy for riding my ass until I saw the sleeve of CDs on his visor. That MF ain’t about to let SHIT go.

[Dustin Sims @RealDustinSims]

“So what are you hiding up YOUR ass?
I brought Skittles.”

How NOT to greet TSA 🥴