Monkey Hockey League

Official X of the MHL

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BREAKING: Commissioner Eggbert’s private helicopter flew from Eggbert Island to Manhattan today for a secret meeting with unknown Monkey League personnel.

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BREAKING: Glurby expected to sign with the Philadelphia Filberts. Glurby’s replacement on the Massive Smashers is expected to be 2nd round pick, Thonk.

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NYMS medical staff report that their fixes to Feegans after he broke 98% of his bones will not hold up if he continues to play after Year 10.

“Eventually he will crumble and turn into shum.” - Dr. Tuttlebell

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ABQ Meth owner, Kevin Wachtell, had a word after the Meth’s title win over their east coast rivals:

“You walk up in this b***h thinkin it’s sunshine n rainbows? Nah. Mess with the cooks, get the product n****.”

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#DramaAlert: HC of the Massive Smashers Dee Dee Jankums confirmed they have benched captain Gene Thorp for the remainder of the season after being informed he will not re-sign in free agency.

Thorp responded saying he intends to remain in New York, just not with the Smashers…

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BREAKING: The KC Kid Diddler roster has been sentenced on multiple felony counts including identity theft, insurance fraud, and illegal prescription distribution to fans. The Monkey League confirms games will continue inside Lansing Correctional Facility under armed supervision.

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More on the NYMS front office meeting:

Equipment manager Oogie Bear stated after the meeting, “Wow that was a rush. So much whimpering too. I think Bluto was upset about something…I don’t know. I wasn’t let inside. Does this mean I have to make another jersey? F**k this job!”

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Security leak from the NYMS front office meeting depicts Head Scout Blugtatochip shouting at GM Chickbert before reaching for his boiling coffee.

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GM of the NY Massive Smashers Ookie Chickbert is currently in recovery from an altercation at a front office meeting leaving him with scalding burns. More updates to follow.

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36th place, New Orleans Toad Frogs 4th line forward, Clart Jiggums was mysteriously found dead in the Toad Frog locker room with a pool cue shoved up his rectum. The class is considered closed.

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NYMS: After his recent shine in the Monkey Cup Playoffs, Theodore Clart was not offered a rookie contract. After talking with GM Chickbert, Clart decided to stay in Bussey to prepare for the next Monkey Cup Playoffs. The NY Massive Smashers future is still TBD.

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Egglotta Milkerson and the Coyotes are a POWERHOUSE! Phoenix is the first team in STE IV to win multiple titles!

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Boston Boobs have won their first title of the era! This is Boston’s ninth title in franchise history! Terk Munk Jr. was named MVP!

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The Grimsby Hootin’ Loons have won their FIRST ever title!!! Solomon Hill was named league MVP!

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At last. The NY Massive Smashers have assembled their squad: the Dillings as owners, GM Meaty Little Ted, and HC Hennigan Steed. They aren’t looking for another dynasty. They strive to be an EMPIRE. #MLTop1

Key players: Humonculous Boog, Chicken Gabe, LJ Squid

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At #2 are the Toronto Turnips. Once co-pilots of the league alongside the Smashers, they’ve since been shoved into the trunk. Will they break free and take the wheel again?

Key players: Maggot Bumcream, Fiddle Shkiddle Niddle, Barney Cupplate

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Cracking into the Top 3 are the Philadelphia Filberts. Relentless, scrappy, and unhinged. With GM Mantiss Toboggan, M.D. pulling the strings, Philly’s finest are primed for another deep run.

Key players: Charlie Kelly, Ronald McDonald, Big Burd

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At #4 are the Albuquerque Meth 💎 Following the death of longtime owner Elliott Schwartz, the franchise has been snapped up by Mesa Verde’s own Kevin Wachtell. With this, the Meth look set to dominate the West once again.

Key players: Slippin’ Wimmy, Huell Buh, Cliff Munk

[Monkey Hockey League @Real_MHL]

#MLTop5 begins with the Chicago Chumps! Since Cranhammer Creightwagon was traded to Chicago many moons ago, the Chumps have always been in the mix. Is now the time they strike?

Key players: Clamhammer Creightwagon, Buster Brickwall, Johnny C

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Just missing out on the #MLTop5 is the San Francisco Sleezballs at #6. Owner Purptig Dinkfert is out for revenge. He hired Ron Lecky as HC and beat him to death. Just to send a message.

Key players: Shinky Blog, Geemo Geezer, Shimini Rinky Dinky