We Regret to Inform

We regret to inform you since December 2018. We regret any inconveniences caused. We regret any unintended consequences. We regret this unforeseen situation.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We are, exclusively for today, delighted to inform you that Mr. Donald J. Trump is no longer President of the United States.

Our newsroom is taking the rest of the day off. Your regularly scheduled regrets will resume tomorrow. #InaugurationDay

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform Mr Piers Stefan Pughe-Morgan that we have no open positions in our newsroom and he needs to stop calling us immediately. Please. #PiersMorgan

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that Mr. Rafael Edward ‘Cancún Ted’ Cruz is still the junior United States Senator of the State of Texas. #CruzResign #CancunCruz

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

UPDATE: We regret to inform you that Mr. Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz is once more physically present in the State of Texas, as if the people of that great state did not have enough to deal with already. #TedCruz #Texas

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that Mr. Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz, United States Senator for the State of Texas, has gone on vacation in Cancún, Mexico, in the middle of a major crisis, and also that he will most likely be coming back at some point. #TedCruz #Texas #TexasFreeze

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that Mr. Rafael Edward ‘Ted’ Cruz, United States Senator for the State of Texas, has gone on vacation in Cancún, Mexico, in the middle of a major crisis, and also that he will most likely be coming back at some point. #TedCruz #Texas #TexasFreeze

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that even though the legal arguments and theories advanced by the lawyers of Mr. Donald J. Trump in the latter’s impeachment trial are absolute garbage, he will likely be acquitted anyway because Senate Republicans are also absolute garbage. #impeachment

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that Mr. Donald J. Trump, recently unemployed Florida Man, is violating the municipal zoning laws of the town of Palm Beach. #FloridaMan #MarALago https://t.co/wYHiRxLAFE

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the outgoing President of the United States, Mr. Donald J. Trump, is now using the White House Office of the Press Secretary, which is paid for by taxpayer money, as his own personal Twitter account.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that Mr. Donald J. Trump, who at this moment is a clear and present threat to the national security and constitutional order of the United States, remains, even now, President of the same. #ImpeachTrump

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the news continues to happen unabatedly even though it is now, according to sources, 2021.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the Shining City on the Hill is under attack by a fascist mob. #CapitolBuilding #CoupAttempt

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the outgoing President of the United States, Mr. Donald J. Trump, just wants to find 11,780 votes.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the RtHon Sir George Iain Duncan Smith, former Leader of the Conservative Party (2001-03), is encouraging young people to take up piracy to survive in the post-Brexit world. #Brexit #buccaneering

[Tim Bale @ProfTimBale]

Just Rejoice! IDS: “I just wish I was 21 again, frankly, because my goodness what prospects lie ahead of us for young people now: to be out there buccaneering, trading, dominating the world again.”

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the “Brexit debate” has not magically disappeared overnight. #Brexit #TheDebate

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

Perhaps next year we will ask our social media team to look into this thing called “scheduled tweets”.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that it is now 2021. #NewYear2021

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that it is now 2020. #NewYear2020

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We intended to post this at midnight GMT exactly, but everyone in the newsroom was drunk, so we forgot. Happy new year.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform all residents of Kent, UK, that they will need to vacate the county immediately to make room for more lorries. Thank you and Happy Christmas. #Kent #Lorries

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that “[Brexit] will be a bit difficult at first”, states the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, the RtHon. Alexander Boris de Pfeffel “Boris” Johnson. #Brexit

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

CORRECTION: We have been informed by our Continental Philosophy Desk that “it was really more of a vague reference than an actual quotation”, and then they launched into a lengthy argument over the misuse of modern philosophy by the state, which we tuned out. We regret the error.

[We Regret to Inform @RegretInform]

We regret to inform you that the RtHon. Elizabeth Mary Truss, Secretary of State for International Trade and Minister for Women and Equalities, has, reportedly, quoted famous French philosopher Michel Foucault superficially. #LizTruss #Foucault #MotsEtChoses