ARRR!!! KING

Biiiiig. Bearded. Brief.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

Wife: Are we ready to go to the park?
Me: Yeah I just had to put sunscreen on everybody.
Wife: We only have one child...

Our long-haired dog comes running out of the bathroom covered in SPF 50, immediately throws himself to the ground in the living room and starts rolling around

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

@DestryBrod You should've seen the paperwork it took to get this. Just... MILES of red tape.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

When I was about that age, I wrote Santa a letter demanding he wake me up because him entering my house while I slept didn't sit right with me. Then I saw the Grinch and immediately started dreading Reverse Santa.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

I was so underprivileged as a kid, when I was ten I tried to make a deal with the Tooth Fairy: take 'em all and give me the cash up front, like a payday loan.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

I'm what you would call well put-together. I have cold hands but a warm heart and I can't wait for you to pick my brain. I'm 8' tall with big hands and feet. So if we meet, prepare for a treat! Make me laugh; leave me in stitches. We can sit by the—FIRE BAAAD!

Seeking a bride.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

For anyone who's been following my tweets over the past 8 hours, please bring some toilet paper. My feet are numb.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

D.A.R.E.

Don't
Ask for
Ritalin when your dealer only sells
Ecstasy

D.A.R.E.

Did
A
Rabbit
Exit

D.A.R.E.

Dan
Aykroyd,
Respectable
Entertainer

D.A.R.E.

Damn that
Ass so juicy I want it served
Rare with
Extra steak sauce

D.A.R.E.
To keep kids off drugs.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

Watch as I test my heavy mettle playing HEAVY METAL on a HEAVY metal guitar made entirely of heavy METALS while reading Heavy Metal magazine and watching Heavy Metal on VHS.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

Bond: Do you exshpect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mister Bond. I expect you to eye.
*Two Hours Under a Laser*
Goldfinger: There you go. 20/20 vision.
Bond: Mushed Oblished

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

Your air guitar is cute and all, but have you heard my air theremin? The silence is haunting.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

I never said I was always right. Things like that shouldn't have to be spoken.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

When studying lycanthropes, you must remember the six types of taxonomic prefixes:

Were - Bipedal wolves.
Who - Wolves wearing name tags.
What - Wolfurniture and wolfurnishings.
When - After midnight, usually.
Why - Curiosity killed those.
How - They just couldn't figure it out.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

"I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere."

*Dusts off robes*
*GETS. THAT. DIRT OFF HIS SHOULDER*
*Spits mud*
*Shits bricks*
*Has a nosebleed: OOPS! ALL SAND!*
*Sand pours out of Anakin's pores until only a sack of skin remains*

"Waterrr—"

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

Price is Right Pets

Greyhound: Bob Barker, more like Bob Whimper, amirite?

Labrador: I had a sick 6 year old chase me around the house with a garden spade because of that silver-haired maniac, what happened to you?

Rottweiler: *high pitched* You don't want to know.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

She got dunked in a bucket.
Bucket?
Bucket.
I said fuck it.
Fuck it?
Fuck it.
This chore can suck it.
Suck it?
Suck it.
Don't make me sing it again!!!
She got dunked in a bucket.
Bucket?
Bucket.
I said fuck it.
Fuck it?
Fuck it.

Splash or drop!
LET ME SEE THAT MOP!

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

OOH, that mess so scandalous
& you know that I just can't handle it
When I'm shaking that thing like swish swish
& the look in my eyes is tired as -ish. (UGH)
She likes to dance when I clean up spots
She moves & grooves until I stop
Not just a bin w/ water slop
Livin la vida loca

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

*Picking out a Persian with a bong in my palm*

"OH. We're going to buy RUGS."

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

COME ON DOWN TO DISCOUNT FURNITURE WAREHOUSE WHERE EVERYTHING IS ON SALE YES YOU HEARD ME EVERYTHING

SOFAS
ON SALE

RECLINERS
ON SALE

CARPET AND RUGS
ON SALE

SALES ASSOCIATES
ON SALE

CASH REGISTERS, FULL OF MONEY
MAKE US AN OFFER

OUR DOORS, WALLS, AND WINDOWS
TAKE THEM AWAY

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

The overhead for the World Warrior Tournament must be insane. All that international travel?

The obvious solution is to combine Street Fighter with The Amazing Race.

DETOUR: Either you must beat the shit out of this car or get attacked by barrels.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

The first time an elephant stood indoors, nobody wanted to talk about it.

[ARRR!!! KING @RhymesWRocking]

Existential Despair Mug Souffle

1 tablespoon butter, salted or unsalted
1 egg, large or extra-large
vanilla extract
2 tablespoons + 2 teaspoons cocoa powder
2 tablespoons granulated sugar

Before you begin, release a primal scream into your microwave-safe mug. Add butter.