Kelly O'McFarrell

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

I have to get to the animal hospital! My mother-in-law's cat is in labor! #UnlikelySpeedingExcuses

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

I did it without Jesus! #5WordAcceptanceSpeech

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

#AwesomeDateUntil I puked on his dick.

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

Pressing my ice cold hands on my furnace of a man's sides under his shirt is just one of my #WaysToKeepMeWarm

[Janice in Accounting @janiceinaccntng]

I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck

[jen marie @aslowriot]

Man Man - Steak Knives "are you my pet?" https://t.co/IwymBtfAqZ

[jen marie @aslowriot]

#NextYearImGonna trend all my hashtags. Say what, I've already done that? well #HashtagRiot is incredibly successful, so... ;)

[jen marie @aslowriot]

#NextYearImGonna Heifer For Humanity all my gifts for pins

[Hag_on_the_Hill @hag_on]

#IfIWasThePersonLeft in charge of Christmas decor, we could be in trouble. @TagTherapy

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

#IWouldHaveInvitedYouToDinner but I was afraid cheetos and cat food may not be good enough for you.

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

#ItsNotAHolidayUntil Grandpa loses his pants, again.

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

if you twist your ankle, run it out. #ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

Try adding blood to any red sauce for an iron boost! #ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

When staying up too late it's better to just stay up until work instead of those three hours of sleep. #ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

You should befriend all trolls and show them the ways of friendship! #ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

The natural antiseptic properties of lemon juice and salt make them ideal for cleaning out wounds.
#ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

Bring empty gift bags and name tags at Christmas and just regift immediately instead of buying real gifts. #ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Kelly O'McFarrell @RiotInMyMouth]

I know you're drunk, but just take a hit or two of this...
#ParticularlyBadAdvice

[Antic the Fearless @antic5]

When she's angry with you, tell her the joke about how PMS is called PMS because the name "Mad Cow Disease" was taken
#ParticularlyBadAdvice