Riri

Here to talk to a brick wall and freak out the weak.

[DIVINE🌺 @sheluvyarii]

Stop being the one who makes all the effort. Sit back and let the ship sink.

[Riri @RiriNoodle]

This year is officially the worst year of my life hands down. I can’t believe how unlucky I have been so far.
Someone rub a four leave clover on me or a unicorn to sneeze on me or something. I need something.

[Carmen Lagala @CarmenLagala]

Left the back door open at my friend's house and her roomba escaped. Hope he goes on an adventure and cleans the whole world

[Margo Howard @Margoandhow]

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

[Riri @RiriNoodle]

@GuzKhanOfficial YES PLEASE 🙏🏻

[ᴘᴀᴠʟᴏᴠ ᴛʜᴇ ᴄᴏʀɢɪ @PAVGOD]

he protec, he attac, he go to the market and barter for snaccs https://t.co/9mcxERjC8S

[rachael mcdonald @rachmac_]

tell me how folk are buying new builds whilst managing to go out most weekends and go on holidays? what is this witchcraft? Or is everyone just in debt 😂? I can’t wrap my head around it

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she's a keeper.

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

My favourite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle.

Funny name, but she tortoise well.

[Bill Bailey @BillBailey]

Six months since we lost Sean. Miss him every day.

[Paul Feig @paulfeig]

Someone should invent an alarm clock where the alarm is the sound of a dog about to throw up. Because nothing wakes me up and gets me out of bed faster than that.

[liz @anticapitalizm]

just once i’d like a pregnancy test commercial where the woman screams “FUCK” and smashes her apartment to bits

[Riri @RiriNoodle]

@lozpolz So so so true ngl

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

Why do standup comedians perform poorly in Hawaii?

Because the audience only responds in a low ha.

[Dad Jokes @Dadsaysjokes]

Remember to poop before midnight
tomorrow.

You don't want to be carrying the
same shit into the next year.