Todd Risenmay

comedian, actor, and musician

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

I choose now to love humanity with an open heart and deep compassion as I sit in this Starbucks inside a Target.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Discovering "the wheel" was a sham. Why don't we learn who discovered "the ball"?
We're left to surmise that some unoriginal putz just lopped the sides off a perfectly good ball and submitted an iron clad patent, leaving us to deal with this unwieldy ball-segment of a wheel. :(

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Shamefully I admit that I have not un-learned my human-supremacy over my dog.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

@__Miscellany Thanks!

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

U.S. intelligence finds evidence of Iranian #assassination plot against #Trump separate of the Crooks shooting. Secret Service ordered to heighten protection around Trump’s other ear.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

#Melbourne has banned e-scooters from their city. Yes, after avoiding giant spiders, snakes and jacked kangaroos, Melbourners saw e-scooters and said, "this might kill us".
#electricscooters
#thatsnotascooter
#THISisascooter
#sketchschooljokes

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Ratings for the #ParisOlympics2024 were 82% higher than the Tokyo Olympics. Wow! And with water events containing only 42% more fecal matter?!
#riverseine
#sketchschooljokes

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Pepa from Salt n’ Pepa was removed from a Southwest flight when she and another passenger argued over her seat. The argument escalated suddenly when the man told her not to Push It.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Experts say millennials are learning to distance from parents in the name of their own mental health. Gen X-ers say, “Just wait. Eventually, your PARENTS will become more distant due to THEIR mental health.”

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

In Los Angeles, a Beverly Hills robbery suspect led police on a high-speed chase while live-streaming on social media. While most would hate to be pursued by police, the suspect was thrilled to have 12 new followers.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Biden has contracted Covid 19 and canceled his speech in Las Vegas, where Hunter Biden is still scheduled to contract HPV.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Anyone out there with a palm tree willing to spare a single leaf from it? Asking for a frond.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

When life gives you lemons, ask if they are certified organic.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Am I allowed wear these suspenders on this train? Do people think I'm the conductor? To be safe, I've been saying, "I'm headed to the cockpit now" and they've been saying, "you're thinking of plane pilots".

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

@Jaime_Moyer Yeah and it hits me when I'm putting my socks on #damplife

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Mother Nature- "Whelp, its 6am and there are no little droplets of water on the grass... looks like we're just gonna have to make dew.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

The chef I work with keeps saying "where is all the thyme? I lost all my thyme! Where has the thyme gone?!?". I'm gonna label this an existential spice-is.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

Twitter can be rough. It's important to know who you are before you dive in, which is why I just reminded myself I'm a 45yo mother of 3 who just kicked cigs for good.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

I understand that getting another self-help book isn't always the answer but sometimes I just can't help my self.

[Todd Risenmay @RisingTodd]

One of the great challenges of being in public is knowing it's probably not cool to take horizontal naps.