Rob Crean

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[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

Whenever someone tells me they’re an empath, I think, “wow, you must feel so annoyed right now.”

[Boston @BostonMassUSA]

"I'm Allston sober. I don't drink alcohol, but I drink tons of NyQuil" -- @RobCrean

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

Saw this lady with a bag on her head in the Trader Joe’s parking lot and, I don’t know, just happy to be alive.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

I can’t believe @JohnFKennedy tweeted this over 50 years ago and it still has zero likes.

[Myq (Parenthetical) Kaplan @myqkaplan]

“live in between albums” is now available!

perfect for if you enjoy my comedy but haven’t heard this album yet!

thanks to @raminnazer for the cover art, to @blondemedicine for producing it, and to @RobCrean for having me on The Gas where i recorded it!

https://t.co/xyXHMUoKyh

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

All the people upset about The Little Mermaid being black sound so stupid. That said, if I get there and Ursula isn't a big titted butch, I will burn the theater down.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

https://t.co/zNmjaFDIZ2

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

I've know for a while that methane,the gas in farts, has no smell, so when you "smell a fart" that's actually microscopic fecal matter in your nose, but I just learned farts also have no sound, so if you hear a fart that's micro doo-doo in your ears!

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

@iluvkarlrahner @blainecapatch @wildmagus Absolutely!

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

I don't look AT purses, I look THROUGH them.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

I'm Allston sober. I don't drink alcohol, but I drink tons of NyQuil.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

They say if during your day you meet an asshole, hey, you met an asshole, but if all day long all you meet is assholes, you're the asshole. Well, today, I am definitely an asshole.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

Just saw what appeared to be a 25 year old kid sharing a vape with his mom.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

I JUST found out Billy Joel fans call themselves "Holy Joelers".

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

@thomcrowley That's fair. Tough, but fair.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

What does this man have to do to get his name in the headline?

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

Nothing tastes as good as pooping it out feels.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

@TimVargulish @Srirachachau Agreed, IMAX if you have the change. This movie will be great in a normal theater, but it's amazing big.

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

@MatthewWilding I don't see this as my style at all!

[Rob Crean @RobCrean]

Watching Stranger Things 4 with Heather. I keep saying, "They shouldn't have yelled at Eddie Munson." and she keeps saying, "They actually didn't yell at Eddie Munson!"