Roddie Jones

I live a very normal, unassuming everyday life, interspersed with brief moments of catastrophically bad decisions

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

I have an ex named Becky, and throughout our relationship, and months after our breakup (it was mostly amicable) I would text her out of the blue something like

- Are you fucking serious!? Oh my god Becky

Wait for her to text back and then text

-...look at her butt.

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

Sometimes I really feel like I have to go back to my roots:
Which is making up stories about me and the people around me for my own amusement

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

My boss, every time, on the zoom call: "Alright, let's get down to business"
One of these days I'll unmute and sing "To Defeat THE HUNNS"

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

My (white 60 y.o) mom just heard "Not like us" with me in the car, and she was like "oh this is catchy, who's it by?" And I have never been more excited to explain a song to someone

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

She's starting to see my side. So I posit: "What if your baby is being a punk ass bitch? Can I throw him then?"

Turns out the answer was no

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

My cousin's child was 9 months old I asked her if I could throw her baby. I think I meant hold and just misspoke, but she said "There will never be a situation where you can throw my baby" and I took that as a challenge. So I started posing hypotheticals:

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

"What if there's a fire and I'm on the third floor with a fireman underneath me? What if we're in the ocean and we're in a Jaws situation and I need to throw him onto the boat?" She says, in that situation, maybe it'd be ok if I threw her baby. She's backtracking.

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

Why would anyone ever willingly watch this Rockets Lakers game? I put it on for five minutes and my couch spontaneously caught on fire

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

I wish I could look better in hats. Like I put on a baseball cap and people are like "oh... Wow, your ears are huge!" Or I put on a beanie and I look like I'm cosplaying as a penis

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

@Kappa_Kappa How dare you

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

...Are Fox's cameras not synced?

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

@RealMattCarey Any extension that's less than...I dunno, to make a comparison, Embiid's, would be great for the best center in the NBA

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

@RealMattCarey Couldn't agree more

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

@Elkin_Spark @denzelayeah @LegionHoops Those were fun as hell, $5 stubhub tickets ftw. I remember Bron scoring his 30 thousandth point or some shit and the sixers crowd going wild.

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

Vin diesel looked at that and went...c'mon we can do better

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

Carson Beck looks like he lost his eyes at a young age and got prosthetics brought in by someone who had only ever had eyes described to them

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

Like a robot was tasked with making eyes and just gave up halfway

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

It's like the anime artist for eyeshield 21 phoned it in

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

He looks like someone in Georgia shot him and mounted him on the wall and then his stuffed form entered the transfer portal

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

BECAUSE HE ASKED HER TO GIVE UP HER EYES

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

Anyway, I'd like to say I'm sorry to Carson Beck , I'm sure he was a decent human being before he wished upon a star to a particularly saditstic genie

[Roddie Jones @RoddieJones]

OR, maybe! They took shark eyes and were like, "this is too much, let's color them in with crayons." Because that is the most soulless dead stare I've ever seen